Confrontation

Unintentionally 

So, I had decided not to confront my Other. I have been redirecting his texts into conversations about the details of getting a few personal items back from him. Being polite but not giving any information on myself. Then tonight happened. What follows is our conversation, Next post will be a reality check based on this conversation.

He's been trying to draw me into a conversation about us repeatedly. I decided to just give in and respond truthfully but with as much kindness as I could muster.

For clarity: Missy (Babygirl) is my dog.

How've you been doing? Been thinkin about ya an hopin U are doin ok.

as good as can be expected. how's the sorting and packing going?

Long an crazy. You have a buncha' plates an stuff now. Sorting out kitchen stuff 4 U.

I miss the cuddles frown emoticon

i bet.

Except Missy hoggin the blanket- lol

L***** had back surgery the other day

hope it went well

She seems better. A boone fragment grew into heer muscle and was stabbing her from the inside

ack. i should call her or something.

She's been home quite a bit lately.

U tell D** Happy Birthday?

of course.

I've been slowly putting stuff 4 U in the closet

You been doin ok there?

somewhat.

What's wrong?

besides missy throwing up all the time and not knowing anyone here?

Poor Baby girl

Well, I miss you bein' here

sure.

What do U mean? I miss my Buttercup

No matter what you may or may not think, I will always love you!

k.

K?..... What's the matter?

I don't know what you expect me to say to that, but i didn't want to not respond. so i said "k". nothing is the matter.

I dunno... guess I was jus worried. Jus wonderin what ya think and how you feel

why? (brb. need to go outside for a minute)

I tol a... I care about U. U know that.

No, I don't know that. You made it clear that you don't actually care about me. You care about you and how I made you feel, and what effect I had on your life, and what I could do for you. Not me. And I am learning to accept that. Right now you are worried about your reputation and how you look to me, not about me at all.

My reputation? Sigh... I dunno where certain thought issues come from there, but I guess I jus can't simply understand where you're coming from. Yes, I do have certain issues with "How I look to you", but I never singled my thoughts out on myself. Never will. I always wondered what was goin on with you and why things were going as they were. You are the only person I can honestly see myself with and I even said about being with you till I die. I stressed about everything and you and what was happening to you was a big part of that. As was the kids too.... everyone else over me. Even Missy! I dunno why you think what you do, but I'm jus not thinking on the same line as you I guess ;{

I'm srry that you misunderstood me. I never intended for that

your actions showed your priorities and you were very clear in the end about your thoughts on me and our relationship and what you were not willing to do. I truly do not think I misunderstood any of it.

i don't doubt that you wanted me to stay, or that you are lonely now that I am gone. And I am not saying any of this to be mean or hurt you. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt. That you didn't intend to do me harm. That you believe what you are saying now. I worry about who ever you end up with next if you continue on this way. I worry about your kids and what they have learned from you. And I really do wish you to be happy.

I only want you to be happy. Sounds like you only see me as a bad guy. I am sorry. No... I'd never try to hurt you. No I never wanted to lose you. Part of that is the only reason I went to therapy. I did it for us, not me. I dunno.... I guess I'm jus still concerned about you.

Take care... again I'm sorry

see? if i only saw you as a bad guy, i wouldn't have even bothered to say any of that. why would I? I don't know if you are really in such denial that you don't even know what you did and didn't do, but please understand that the reason i demanded you go to therapy was because you have issues that are affecting everyone around you. You chose not to make any changes, though. In fact, you doubled down and things escalated and got worse. Maybe you will never see it. Or maybe you are trying to play mind games with me on purpose. You will probably try to write me off now. I really am trying to help you and everyone you interact with. Maybe it's a lost cause. I'm sorry I couldn't get through to you. I really do wish you the best and I do regret how things went.

Begin Recovery

Getting Nowhere Fast

I have been spinning my wheels. Plans keep falling through or readjusting. Trying to figure out what I need to do and how to get it done has been near impossible. One step forward, two steps back with a side of second-guessing myself. Pretty much every aspect of my life is up in the air. It's hard to make a plan when you don't know where you are going, let alone how to get there.

Step-by-Step

The only thing I could manage to get done was finding a therapist after getting shuffled from one office to another and waiting for a call back, I got it set up. I did the getting to know you intake with her, and I think it will work. And she set me up with a DBT group, which I attended the first session this week. Hopefully I can get my mind and life sorted with her help while brushing up on my skills in the group.

Supportive Pressure

I wish people would understand that telling me they are behind any decision I make, but to hurry up and decide and start moving forward isn't helpful at all. I am disoriented and confused and not sure which way to go. I can't make a decision right now. Offering me 20 options and then saying "Choose!" when I don't have any details to base a decision on is frightening. I need information first. I need to weigh pros and cons. I want to move forward and with purpose. I need to feel somewhat in control and informed. I realize that slow and careful may look like I am not doing anything from outside, and it may be frustrating to those who want me to just be happy and live my life finally. I am starting from scratch, though. It wasn't that long ago that I couldn't make the simplest of decisions without panic attacks. Now I am making some major life decisions. I understand that it wouldn't be that hard for them. They have resources I don't. They aren't learning to trust their logic and intuition again after years of self-doubt. They have an income. They have a home. They aren't where I am mentally or physically. I wish I was. And I will be someday, but I'm not there yet.

I am not being lazy. Pressuring me is not motivating. It's debilitating. It causes anxiety and frustration and feelings of not being understood. It is not helpful. But I know they mean well.

Validation

I still feel the need to confront my Other. That would not be productive. In fact, it could cause problems. Perhaps I will write something up in a post here. Would that be therapeutic? I feel the need to put my experience out there somehow. Maybe then I could let it go, and stop having the urge to scream "Liar!" and "Bullshit!" every time I trip up on something he shares online. I did one reaction post on here already to stuff he was putting out there right after I left him. It helped until he increased what he was doing and it became more about blaming me, and posting what he needs from someone as if I hadn't given it to him and he wasn't the one not fulfilling our vows.

We'll see. I'll have to think about how I want to approach it.

So tired of it all.

Kick it up a notch

My Other has doubled his efforts online, it seems. It's hard to not respond when he is posting echoes of my past words as his own. Also, when it reads like I was the one not giving any effort or even being the abusive one. 

Oh, and he has texted me directly a few times.

I would rather totally disconnect, but he has items that cannot be replaced of mine in storage at his grandmother's house. So I will not engage, but I feel I have to be polite.

It's stressful.

I don't want to lose contact with my family and friends, but I am having trouble dealing with seeing his comments and memes which seem to be passive-aggressively directed at me. Provoking. I want to just block him, but I don't want to piss him off. 

He has posted a few things about being single, and then a meme saying how hard it is when the person you cared about has moved on but you are still processing the breakup. Not sure who he thinks he is talking about, Sure isn't about me. I have zero plans of dating anyone. Maybe ever again. Not even casually. Hell, I don't even have any friends to hang out with. Whatever.

There is so much cognitive dissonance and so many logical fallacies in his narrative I would need to write a 500 page dissertation to cover it all, and I haven't even been gone a month yet.

Still stuck

I had to resend for my paperwork I need because I didn't include an enlarged photocopy of my current ID. So it will be another week or so before I can do anything.

I need space and time to myself. I have been doing that by staying up later to be alone. The downside of that is not getting enough rest, which makes everything harder. And me bitchier in general because of it. But, better grumpy than insane.

My therapy pet, Missybaby, isn't doing well at all. She is old, and has been having issues for months and has an appointment with the vet next week, but... She has been vomiting today. I am concerned.

Now the good news

My daughter got engaged! 

My son moved out of the Other's home!

One of my paintings has been requested for a silent auction fundraiser!

All good things that help balance it out a bit.

From Isolation to Exile

Choices

I had been cut-off and silenced. 

It wasn't sudden, mind you. 

It took place over a period of years. 

The end result was that I was alone when the reality of my situation slammed into my face. 

I was suffering from mental, emotional and financial abuse. At the end, I was being deprived of food and sleep and dealing with sexual coercion on top of the rest of it.

This is hard to admit. It makes me feel weak and powerless and stupid to say that I allowed myself to be in that situation. And even when my eyes had been opened to the fact that it was abusive behaviors, and intellectually I understood it and knew it as a truth, I didn't accept it. I fought against it. I tried to find a way to fix it. I tried to make sense of it. 

I stayed.

I sought help, and worked on my issues... got us help and worked on our relationship. But one person cannot work on a relationship alone.

It took an emergency surgery, being abandoned at the hospital, and then severe neglect during my recuperation to make me see that my life had no meaning or worth to my significant other. It was then that I truly understood I would die, one way or another, if I didn't leave.

It was time to go.

I jumped through hoops trying to get things set up, but I couldn't as long as I was still in the house.

I couldn't apply for housing. I couldn't stay in a shelter (I have a therapy pet). I had no one nearby I could stay with. 

I had to leave it all behind. Some friends I could have tried to reconnect with, my adult children, my therapist and support worker... all of them.

So I exiled myself here. My only link to them all is digital. I have never felt so alone or such a failure.

This situation isn't perfect either, but it is safer than I was and it is only temporary.

I joined a skills training/support group for DV survivors. I sent for paperwork I need to begin to apply for various assistance. I got a referral lined up for my therapy and med management needs. I applied for a very limited hours part time job that I think I can handle.

And I am trying to be kind to myself.

Mind Games

It doesn't end when you leave

I have been holding to the recommended no-contact with my husband. There isn't anything directly coming from him. But he is still playing the games. He is posting things to facebook that should be coming from me. Things a survivor of abuse would say. I have remained silent. He has been commenting on my families pages as well.

There is so much I want to say publicly. Everything he has thrown out there, I want to comment on. So I will do it here. From his facebook timeline in the order they appeared:

Uh, Okay. I already did.

If you had made any, I would have. In fact I even thanked you for the one thing you stopped doing and then praised you for the change to your therapist. You promptly started doing it again and even tried to convince me I was wrong for feeling offended because someone else thought your jokes were funny. However, I do not see why you think I would respect you for all the dumb things in your past... I don't think you meant to say that...

True. Which is why I was careful who I vented to, and the wording I used... or is this meant as a warning???

So you are saying I shouldn't have given you a place in my heart? Or are you trying to say I should have stayed and endured all the abuse?

That's the only reason I stayed as long as I did. I tried to keep loving you even when I was getting nothing in return that could be construed as love. For years.

So you are saying that you agree with my decision to leave then?

Ah. Yes. I didn't praise you enough for the little things you did for me, right? Even when you made dinner and it was food you knew I didn't like and ended up not being able to eat? Or when you would do everyone else's laundry in the house but mine using up all the quarters? Or when you would "let me sleep in" and miss an appointment? I could go on...

Are you giving me permission? Or trying to twist it around for yourself to garner sympathy?

So I should feel sorry for you?

Exactly how I have described it to you. Nice that you seem to get it finally. Oh wait. You are talking about yourself? Does this mean you are going to actually start working on your issues now? Go to your appointments and participate in therapy? How about actually getting tested and finding out what your problems are? that would be a place to start...

So, you are saying you didn't love me?

Kind of. Love is about mutual respect and making someone else a priority in your life. Showing you care and being there for them and supporting them. Not playing the martyr and then looking for pity and blaming the person you "love" for how miserable you have made yourself. But I really hope you do want me to be happy. I still want that for you.

Actually, if someone really loves you, they will do everything in their power to make you want to stay no matter how difficult the situation is.

I feel a bit better. Like I set the record straight.

Though no one really knows about this blog who knows me.

There was more. He has been flooding facebook with posts. Tons of stuff about dating and what he wants in a partner as well. I worry about whoever he gets next. He would only go on FB every few months until our last couple's session. Then he was always on and always reading over my shoulder. Some of the others I saw seem to have been removed from his page so that responding to it will make me look nuts. I had already shown them to others, though, so I have witnesses that they were real.

I don't know how to handle this. He still has a lot of my stuff, and my adult son is living with him temporarily. I don't want my kids to become targets for me. I need to get therapy started here and get some guidance. 

I know he is still gaslighting.

Read that link if you don't know about that mental abuse technique.

For now I guess I stay quiet or vague publicly. And don't respond to his bait.

Reasons

Why ask "why?"

I was stuck going 'round and 'round in my head trying to decipher why my husband was acting the way he was. Why was he treating me the way he did? Was any of it my fault? What was I responsible for and what did I need to do about it?

It could have been that part of the neglect was coming from his depression. Since I suffer from Major Depression, I felt I should support him and be more empathic.

It could have been that the with holding of information was memory issues and not intentional. Either as side effects of his medications, his brain surgery, or possibly due to lack of oxygen to his brain from his partially collapsed lung and the fact he refused to even cut down on his smoking. I felt I should encourage him to get checked out by his doctors.

It could have been that his refusal to enforce any sort of consequences on his children's behavior was tied with his possible Superman Complex, and a need to always be "the good guy". I felt I should support him and push for counseling for himself, his kids, and family counseling sessions as well.

I could go on. The relationship issues were varied and complex.

I did come to realize that my complacency and acceptance of the treatment I received directed what was allowed acceptable behavior. That was my responsibility. 

Asking "why?" was important in sorting out how to approach making changes. Seeking proper treatment for the symptoms requires you figure out the origin, at least in general.

But I got stuck there when I had done all I could do myself and was waiting for him to join me in seeking a healthy relationship. And he didn't.

There comes a time when the "why" stops meaning anything. It doesn't matter anymore if there are no changes being made. No effort. I waited 2 years from the time I demanded he get his kids and himself and us in therapy. I know that change is slow, so my expectations were not linked to a timeline, but things actually deteriorated instead of improving. 

In the end, I had to leave because I came to realize that one way or another, staying would kill me.

"Why?" matters not if I cease to exist.

Shocking

Did you mean what you said?

What do you do when you are told that no matter what you say or what evidence you have, you are wrong because the other person already decided on what is "true". That they won't even look at any information you have because they know they are correct?

What about when it is your re-diagnosis and treatment for mental illness and they have decided you need to return to treatment that never worked? 

Being told that I was "better" when I was over-medicated and numb and confused and just going through the motions in life, but submissive and behaved myself was like a slap in the face. The kid's therapist said our homelife wasn't healthy, my next 2 therapists then said I was in an abusive situation. His own therapist said we had issues we needed to work on.

Perhaps I misheard him... so I tried to talk about it again. No, he was serious. 

And today, I was told that when I am in a bad mood, no matter the cause, it is an attack on him. And he doesn't like it. I need to just be happy. Period. Or keep it to myself. That he has every right to get pissed at me if I ever raise my voice at all, or get frustrated, or cry, or feel down. It's not allowed.

uh... no.

Everyone is allowed to their feelings. If he can get pissed so can I. No, I don't get to attack people. duh. But I have a right to feel no matter what effect my mood has on others.

Want me happy? Don't treat me like crap. Respect me and my feelings. You don't have to agree or even own your part in the situation when it happens to include you.

Want me to be happy? Do something nice for me just because I matter to you. Don't make me beg.

Want me to be happy? Help ease my pain don't add to it.

Want me to be happy? Don't attack me, blame me, insult me, hurt me.

Why am I even trying? I thought it was his depression and the superman complex thing, but...

Is it?

Or is he a narcissist? He has been doing what is called gaslighting. And this passed week he set me up for an anxiety attack, then pushed a well-known button and when I snapped at him (and then immediately apologized), I got the silent treatment with dirty looks. Then he didn't come to bed that night. 

What exactly am I dealing with? Does it matter if he isn't willing to make any changes?

Oh, God...