Alive and Kicking

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Where have you been?

I have been dealing with quite a few things. 

I got divorced.

I got active with NAMI.

I got trained as a NAMI Connections Support Group Leader.

I attended my state's Annual NAMI Conference.

And I was contemplating the direction I want this Blog to go.

I was thinking that I not only want to chronicle my life (As an artist and someone with Mental Health Issues), but also share information and support for others. Not just rant and journal vaguely as I did at the beginning of creating this place. And maybe share my art as well. We shall see.

And then all heck broke loose.

I found out my son and his girlfriend are having identical twin boys.

An old friend lost his battle with Depression and took his own life.

I had to enact my safety plan and realized it is out of date and it failed me.

I had to create a new one on the fly while in crisis.

And about 4 more Life Stress things.

So, really, I have been recovering from an overload.

It happens. Mental Illness is forever. It doesn't go away. It's just a fact that sometimes you do what you are supposed to do, and you can still end up in crisis.

The tools and coping skills you use today and stay fairly stable, can stop working. Or what is helpful today could be harmful tomorrow. Such is life.

Anyway, I am back.

And I have signed up for NaBloPoMo, through Blogher.com. I am going to attempt to post every day all through November. Hopefully it will become a habit, though after I may slow it down to a couple times a week.

Recovery is a Process

Most people don't realize that it's a journey. The goal of recovery is not some mythical state of being "Recovered", but to just stay in Recovery. Keep moving forward.

It doesn't matter what you are in recovery for; Mental Disorders, Addiction, Abuse Issues, you name it. The goal is change and change never ends.

Steps to Recovery

The first step is knowing and accepting that something is a problem in your life and needs to be different. 

Some would argue that this is a Pre-Recovery step and you aren't really in recovery until you are making efforts to make positive changes in your life. I think it's important to note than most people have issues that they don't see as a problem in their life. Therefore, they don't identify it as a problem and have no incentive to change. Some of these people, however, see the potential of a future problem and begin making changes without ever labeling it a problem, just to avoid the possibility that it might one day become one. Personally, that makes it make sense to not refer to this as a step in active recovery. You get to choose for yourself if this is your first step, or merely the planning stages before you start marking steps.

Next is an intermission that lasts a varied amount of time. Here you face this realization and come to terms with what it means for you. Some people wallow here for quite some time, some just accept it as fact and jump to the next step. Some people have to fulfill a need to discover "why" this is a problem for them before they can begin to make efforts to change things about their life. The effort in this step is put towards understanding the issue, and perhaps not making any changes yet. Some people are still in this step when they start the next simultaneously. A trained professional is very helpful in sorting through everything and finding information for you to educate yourself on your issues.

Now you choose what direction to go. What changes are needed, and how to go about making them. Your life can become quite hectic and have extra drama in this step and the next one. It's important to have positive social support during this time. This is the step they talk about when they say things like "it's going to get worse before it gets better." When you first even start talking about making changes, it is uncomfortable and unknown and you may feel insecure. Add to it that most people do not like change, and anyone involved in the issues in your life may react negatively to you desiring change.

Then comes effort. This step is where you implement the changes you want to make. It's hard and feels "wrong" because it's new. There will be lots of things popping up you never considered that are affected by the changes, and you get to deal with them. You may discover secondary issues you need to also work on at any time in the process, but especially here because when you make positive changes, the other negatives aren't hidden anymore and grab your attention.

Then comes your proof. Here you notice the effects the changes have made in your life. You may find some choices aren't working the way you thought they would, or that you need to make other changes and make different plans of action.

Eventually you get to a satisfactory level in your quality of life.

Then comes maintenance. You have to continue choosing to move forward and not backward or getting stuck.  This is your goal. To maintain your new habits. It isn't guaranteed that you won't ever go back or end up stepping into a new version of your old problems and have to start the process over.

Remember your goal should be getting to a point where you think some version of "I am truly happy/content to continue on as I am now."

Recovery is personal

It's a personal choice. You can't make someone do it. Forced recovery lasts only until the control is lifted. If the person did not choose it, and does not want to change, as soon as they are free to make their own decisions they will go back. It is possible for a recovery to transition from forced to chosen, but the choice tends to happen during the control period, or after a relapse once the person has freedom to choose and makes to conscious choice to take responsibility for their recovery themselves.. Again, they have to want to make changes.

Recovery is unique

Everyone is different and what works for one does not work for everyone. Different people have different needs and perhaps added considerations to take in account. A prime example is religion. Some people are very religious and use it in their recovery and find it to be necessary or even essential to use their religious beliefs in their recovery. Others don't put as much weight or meaning in that part of their life and focus there doesn't have the same effect. Still others have a non-religious view on life and a focus on religion may actually be detrimental to their recovery. Recovery has to be tailored to the specific person and their needs to be successful.

Progress

What the hell am I up to?

Well, let's see...
A few weeks ago I traveled back home and filed for divorce and got my stuff that was being stored in my Other's grandmother's basement. It was chaotic. Frustrating. Emotional. Exhausting.

I had to spend some time with him. And he was being overly nice and friendly and helpful. Kind of. Except if it required him to actually do anything. Then, not so much. Nothing new.

It ended up getting drawn out an extra day, and then the court clerk contacted me two days after I returned saying I needed to file one more thing, but I was able to do it utilizing a notary and mail it in. (Whew!)

Okay, so why didn't I update sooner?

Simple answer: Drama. With a capital D.

More complex: My dog is dying. And slowly. It's painful and time-consuming and awful and heart-breaking. She is fading slowly, but not in any real pain. So I am just loving her and cleaning up after her and trying to enjoy every moment of her unconditional love for as long as it's here.

Also, my Other is creating chaos and trying to draw me in. I am tip-toeing on the high wire trying to stay out of it, semi-detached, but be nice at the same time. (Ugh!)

Also tons of therapy and trying to set up a support network for myself, and filing tons of paperwork for assistance things and half-heartedly looking for work that I might be able to do, am qualified for, and will hire me. (Ha!)

Throw in allergy junk, a med change and avoiding the LDS missionaries... and yeah. That pretty much covers it.

 I plan to start writing more often and regularly soon. Since no one really follows this blog I don't feel much pressure to keep it regular. I did list it in searches now, so that may change... 

Reality Check

Let's discuss some details behind the scenes

He says he cares about me. How did he show he cared for me over this past year?

He never sent in the paperwork to restart my medical coverage.

He made derogatory remarks about me and my son as "jokes" even after I asked him to stop; saying they hurt my feelings.

He remained friends with a guy who tried to talk me into having sex with him behind my husband's back after I showed him the text conversation, and asked me to pretend nothing was wrong and that I hadn't told him about it, and would leave me alone with that man when he came over and expected me to be nice and friendly to him.

He allowed people over at all hours when I requested no visitors while I was trying to sleep.

He left me in the ER alone for over 6 hours when I had a severe gall bladder attack, and barely made it back in time to sign for my surgery; during recovery he fed me once a day sometimes not till 2am, stalled getting me a drink to take pain pills for hours because he was busy playing a video game, and only helped me shower once in two weeks when I needed assistance to do so.

He refused to acknowledge my re-diagnosis and changes in treatment.

He told me that if he ever lost his temper it would be my fault for not letting him shut down and shut out me and the kids.

He told me that I was not allowed to have any negative feelings because they ruin his good mood and therefore I needed to just be happy or at least hide that I wasn't or I was attacking him.

He allowed his kids to take my belongings without asking and without consequence, and disrespect me, and did not require them to do what I asked of them.

He refused to make any suggested changes by any of the therapists we had seen, be it family, couple's or individual.

...I could go on.

I tried to explain to him the difference between caring about me, and only caring about how I affect him and his life. He prides himself on the fact that one of my old counselors once told him he had a superman complex and needed help. He thinks this is awesome. Superman is his hero. I repeatedly tried to explain that martyrdom is not selfless nor is it a healthy ideal you should desire in a relationship. So this comment about never putting himself first, well, it's bullshit. He will make himself suffer needlessly, and me as well, if it will allow him to play on people's sympathies or get praise for being such a saint. How much more self-centered can you get than to create chaos and harm those you love for attention?

And he gaslighted again. I misunderstood him somehow. He is concerned for me.  He puts words in my mouth saying I am making him out to be the bad guy. 

Honestly? I don't think of him as a bad guy. He is an immature survivor of childhood abuse who never learned how to have a healthy relationship. I pity him. I have no need to label him "bad". He makes unhealthy choices and has no desire to change or grow. I was suffering by choosing to stay in a relationship with him the way he is. I came to understand that I was not going to survive much longer if I stayed, and I had zero power to make the needed changes myself. 

I can empathize as a fellow survivor, but I WANT to have healthy relationships. I want to be content in my life. I am tired of the chaos and unnecessary pain. And most importantly, I don't want to die.

Confrontation

Unintentionally 

So, I had decided not to confront my Other. I have been redirecting his texts into conversations about the details of getting a few personal items back from him. Being polite but not giving any information on myself. Then tonight happened. What follows is our conversation, Next post will be a reality check based on this conversation.

He's been trying to draw me into a conversation about us repeatedly. I decided to just give in and respond truthfully but with as much kindness as I could muster.

For clarity: Missy (Babygirl) is my dog.

How've you been doing? Been thinkin about ya an hopin U are doin ok.

as good as can be expected. how's the sorting and packing going?

Long an crazy. You have a buncha' plates an stuff now. Sorting out kitchen stuff 4 U.

I miss the cuddles frown emoticon

i bet.

Except Missy hoggin the blanket- lol

L***** had back surgery the other day

hope it went well

She seems better. A boone fragment grew into heer muscle and was stabbing her from the inside

ack. i should call her or something.

She's been home quite a bit lately.

U tell D** Happy Birthday?

of course.

I've been slowly putting stuff 4 U in the closet

You been doin ok there?

somewhat.

What's wrong?

besides missy throwing up all the time and not knowing anyone here?

Poor Baby girl

Well, I miss you bein' here

sure.

What do U mean? I miss my Buttercup

No matter what you may or may not think, I will always love you!

k.

K?..... What's the matter?

I don't know what you expect me to say to that, but i didn't want to not respond. so i said "k". nothing is the matter.

I dunno... guess I was jus worried. Jus wonderin what ya think and how you feel

why? (brb. need to go outside for a minute)

I tol a... I care about U. U know that.

No, I don't know that. You made it clear that you don't actually care about me. You care about you and how I made you feel, and what effect I had on your life, and what I could do for you. Not me. And I am learning to accept that. Right now you are worried about your reputation and how you look to me, not about me at all.

My reputation? Sigh... I dunno where certain thought issues come from there, but I guess I jus can't simply understand where you're coming from. Yes, I do have certain issues with "How I look to you", but I never singled my thoughts out on myself. Never will. I always wondered what was goin on with you and why things were going as they were. You are the only person I can honestly see myself with and I even said about being with you till I die. I stressed about everything and you and what was happening to you was a big part of that. As was the kids too.... everyone else over me. Even Missy! I dunno why you think what you do, but I'm jus not thinking on the same line as you I guess ;{

I'm srry that you misunderstood me. I never intended for that

your actions showed your priorities and you were very clear in the end about your thoughts on me and our relationship and what you were not willing to do. I truly do not think I misunderstood any of it.

i don't doubt that you wanted me to stay, or that you are lonely now that I am gone. And I am not saying any of this to be mean or hurt you. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt. That you didn't intend to do me harm. That you believe what you are saying now. I worry about who ever you end up with next if you continue on this way. I worry about your kids and what they have learned from you. And I really do wish you to be happy.

I only want you to be happy. Sounds like you only see me as a bad guy. I am sorry. No... I'd never try to hurt you. No I never wanted to lose you. Part of that is the only reason I went to therapy. I did it for us, not me. I dunno.... I guess I'm jus still concerned about you.

Take care... again I'm sorry

see? if i only saw you as a bad guy, i wouldn't have even bothered to say any of that. why would I? I don't know if you are really in such denial that you don't even know what you did and didn't do, but please understand that the reason i demanded you go to therapy was because you have issues that are affecting everyone around you. You chose not to make any changes, though. In fact, you doubled down and things escalated and got worse. Maybe you will never see it. Or maybe you are trying to play mind games with me on purpose. You will probably try to write me off now. I really am trying to help you and everyone you interact with. Maybe it's a lost cause. I'm sorry I couldn't get through to you. I really do wish you the best and I do regret how things went.

Begin Recovery

Getting Nowhere Fast

I have been spinning my wheels. Plans keep falling through or readjusting. Trying to figure out what I need to do and how to get it done has been near impossible. One step forward, two steps back with a side of second-guessing myself. Pretty much every aspect of my life is up in the air. It's hard to make a plan when you don't know where you are going, let alone how to get there.

Step-by-Step

The only thing I could manage to get done was finding a therapist after getting shuffled from one office to another and waiting for a call back, I got it set up. I did the getting to know you intake with her, and I think it will work. And she set me up with a DBT group, which I attended the first session this week. Hopefully I can get my mind and life sorted with her help while brushing up on my skills in the group.

Supportive Pressure

I wish people would understand that telling me they are behind any decision I make, but to hurry up and decide and start moving forward isn't helpful at all. I am disoriented and confused and not sure which way to go. I can't make a decision right now. Offering me 20 options and then saying "Choose!" when I don't have any details to base a decision on is frightening. I need information first. I need to weigh pros and cons. I want to move forward and with purpose. I need to feel somewhat in control and informed. I realize that slow and careful may look like I am not doing anything from outside, and it may be frustrating to those who want me to just be happy and live my life finally. I am starting from scratch, though. It wasn't that long ago that I couldn't make the simplest of decisions without panic attacks. Now I am making some major life decisions. I understand that it wouldn't be that hard for them. They have resources I don't. They aren't learning to trust their logic and intuition again after years of self-doubt. They have an income. They have a home. They aren't where I am mentally or physically. I wish I was. And I will be someday, but I'm not there yet.

I am not being lazy. Pressuring me is not motivating. It's debilitating. It causes anxiety and frustration and feelings of not being understood. It is not helpful. But I know they mean well.

Validation

I still feel the need to confront my Other. That would not be productive. In fact, it could cause problems. Perhaps I will write something up in a post here. Would that be therapeutic? I feel the need to put my experience out there somehow. Maybe then I could let it go, and stop having the urge to scream "Liar!" and "Bullshit!" every time I trip up on something he shares online. I did one reaction post on here already to stuff he was putting out there right after I left him. It helped until he increased what he was doing and it became more about blaming me, and posting what he needs from someone as if I hadn't given it to him and he wasn't the one not fulfilling our vows.

We'll see. I'll have to think about how I want to approach it.

So tired of it all.

Kick it up a notch

My Other has doubled his efforts online, it seems. It's hard to not respond when he is posting echoes of my past words as his own. Also, when it reads like I was the one not giving any effort or even being the abusive one. 

Oh, and he has texted me directly a few times.

I would rather totally disconnect, but he has items that cannot be replaced of mine in storage at his grandmother's house. So I will not engage, but I feel I have to be polite.

It's stressful.

I don't want to lose contact with my family and friends, but I am having trouble dealing with seeing his comments and memes which seem to be passive-aggressively directed at me. Provoking. I want to just block him, but I don't want to piss him off. 

He has posted a few things about being single, and then a meme saying how hard it is when the person you cared about has moved on but you are still processing the breakup. Not sure who he thinks he is talking about, Sure isn't about me. I have zero plans of dating anyone. Maybe ever again. Not even casually. Hell, I don't even have any friends to hang out with. Whatever.

There is so much cognitive dissonance and so many logical fallacies in his narrative I would need to write a 500 page dissertation to cover it all, and I haven't even been gone a month yet.

Still stuck

I had to resend for my paperwork I need because I didn't include an enlarged photocopy of my current ID. So it will be another week or so before I can do anything.

I need space and time to myself. I have been doing that by staying up later to be alone. The downside of that is not getting enough rest, which makes everything harder. And me bitchier in general because of it. But, better grumpy than insane.

My therapy pet, Missybaby, isn't doing well at all. She is old, and has been having issues for months and has an appointment with the vet next week, but... She has been vomiting today. I am concerned.

Now the good news

My daughter got engaged! 

My son moved out of the Other's home!

One of my paintings has been requested for a silent auction fundraiser!

All good things that help balance it out a bit.