Saturday, November 14, 2015

Shocking

Did you mean what you said?

What do you do when you are told that no matter what you say or what evidence you have, you are wrong because the other person already decided on what is "true". That they won't even look at any information you have because they know they are correct?

What about when it is your re-diagnosis and treatment for mental illness and they have decided you need to return to treatment that never worked? 

Being told that I was "better" when I was over-medicated and numb and confused and just going through the motions in life, but submissive and behaved myself was like a slap in the face. The kid's therapist said our homelife wasn't healthy, my next 2 therapists then said I was in an abusive situation. His own therapist said we had issues we needed to work on.

Perhaps I misheard him... so I tried to talk about it again. No, he was serious. 

And today, I was told that when I am in a bad mood, no matter the cause, it is an attack on him. And he doesn't like it. I need to just be happy. Period. Or keep it to myself. That he has every right to get pissed at me if I ever raise my voice at all, or get frustrated, or cry, or feel down. It's not allowed.

uh... no.

Everyone is allowed to their feelings. If he can get pissed so can I. No, I don't get to attack people. duh. But I have a right to feel no matter what effect my mood has on others.

Want me happy? Don't treat me like crap. Respect me and my feelings. You don't have to agree or even own your part in the situation when it happens to include you.

Want me to be happy? Do something nice for me just because I matter to you. Don't make me beg.

Want me to be happy? Help ease my pain don't add to it.

Want me to be happy? Don't attack me, blame me, insult me, hurt me.

Why am I even trying? I thought it was his depression and the superman complex thing, but...
Is it?
Or is he a narcissist? He has been doing what is called gaslighting. And this passed week he set me up for an anxiety attack, then pushed a well-known button and when I snapped at him (and then immediately apologized), I got the silent treatment with dirty looks. Then he didn't come to bed that night. 

What exactly am I dealing with? Does it matter if he isn't willing to make any changes?

Oh, God...