Tuesday, December 29, 2015

So tired of it all.

Kick it up a notch

My Other has doubled his efforts online, it seems. It's hard to not respond when he is posting echoes of my past words as his own. Also, when it reads like I was the one not giving any effort or even being the abusive one. 
Oh, and he has texted me directly a few times.

I would rather totally disconnect, but he has items that cannot be replaced of mine in storage at his grandmother's house. So I will not engage, but I feel I have to be polite.

It's stressful.

I don't want to lose contact with my family and friends, but I am having trouble dealing with seeing his comments and memes which seem to be passive-aggressively directed at me. Provoking. I want to just block him, but I don't want to piss him off. 

He has posted a few things about being single, and then a meme saying how hard it is when the person you cared about has moved on but you are still processing the breakup. Not sure who he thinks he is talking about, Sure isn't about me. I have zero plans of dating anyone. Maybe ever again. Not even casually. Hell, I don't even have any friends to hang out with. Whatever.

There is so much cognitive dissonance and so many logical fallacies in his narrative I would need to write a 500 page dissertation to cover it all, and I haven't even been gone a month yet.

Still stuck

I had to resend for my paperwork I need because I didn't include an enlarged photocopy of my current ID. So it will be another week or so before I can do anything.

I need space and time to myself. I have been doing that by staying up later to be alone. The downside of that is not getting enough rest, which makes everything harder. And me bitchier in general because of it. But, better grumpy than insane.

My therapy pet, Missybaby, isn't doing well at all. She is old, and has been having issues for months and has an appointment with the vet next week, but... She has been vomiting today. I am concerned.

Now the good news

My daughter got engaged! 
My son moved out of the Other's home!
One of my paintings has been requested for a silent auction fundraiser!

All good things that help balance it out a bit.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

From Isolation to Exile

Choices

I had been cut-off and silenced. 
It wasn't sudden, mind you. 
It took place over a period of years. 

The end result was that I was alone when the reality of my situation slammed into my face. 
I was suffering from mental, emotional and financial abuse. At the end, I was being deprived of food and sleep and dealing with sexual coercion on top of the rest of it.

This is hard to admit. It makes me feel weak and powerless and stupid to say that I allowed myself to be in that situation. And even when my eyes had been opened to the fact that it was abusive behaviors, and intellectually I understood it and knew it as a truth, I didn't accept it. I fought against it. I tried to find a way to fix it. I tried to make sense of it. 

I stayed.

I sought help, and worked on my issues... got us help and worked on our relationship. But one person cannot work on a relationship alone.

It took an emergency surgery, being abandoned at the hospital, and then severe neglect during my recuperation to make me see that my life had no meaning or worth to my significant other. It was then that I truly understood I would die, one way or another, if I didn't leave.

It was time to go.

I jumped through hoops trying to get things set up, but I couldn't as long as I was still in the house.
I couldn't apply for housing. I couldn't stay in a shelter (I have a therapy pet). I had no one nearby I could stay with. 

I had to leave it all behind. Some friends I could have tried to reconnect with, my adult children, my therapist and support worker... all of them.

So I exiled myself here. My only link to them all is digital. I have never felt so alone or such a failure.

This situation isn't perfect either, but it is safer than I was and it is only temporary.

I joined a skills training/support group for DV survivors. I sent for paperwork I need to begin to apply for various assistance. I got a referral lined up for my therapy and med management needs. I applied for a very limited hours part time job that I think I can handle.

And I am trying to be kind to myself.



Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Mind Games

It doesn't end when you leave

I have been holding to the recommended no-contact with my husband. There isn't anything directly coming from him. But he is still playing the games. He is posting things to facebook that should be coming from me. Things a survivor of abuse would say. I have remained silent. He has been commenting on my families pages as well.

There is so much I want to say publicly. Everything he has thrown out there, I want to comment on. So I will do it here. From his facebook timeline in the order they appeared:


Uh, Okay. I already did.



If you had made any, I would have. In fact I even thanked you for the one thing you stopped doing and then praised you for the change to your therapist. You promptly started doing it again and even tried to convince me I was wrong for feeling offended because someone else thought your jokes were funny. However, I do not see why you think I would respect you for all the dumb things in your past... I don't think you meant to say that...


True. Which is why I was careful who I vented to, and the wording I used... or is this meant as a warning???


So you are saying I shouldn't have given you a place in my heart? Or are you trying to say I should have stayed and endured all the abuse?

That's the only reason I stayed as long as I did. I tried to keep loving you even when I was getting nothing in return that could be construed as love. For years.


So you are saying that you agree with my decision to leave then?
Ah. Yes. I didn't praise you enough for the little things you did for me, right? Even when you made dinner and it was food you knew I didn't like and ended up not being able to eat? Or when you would do everyone else's laundry in the house but mine using up all the quarters? Or when you would "let me sleep in" and miss an appointment? I could go on...


Are you giving me permission? Or trying to twist it around for yourself to garner sympathy?


So I should feel sorry for you?


Exactly how I have described it to you. Nice that you seem to get it finally. Oh wait. You are talking about yourself? Does this mean you are going to actually start working on your issues now? Go to your appointments and participate in therapy? How about actually getting tested and finding out what your problems are? that would be a place to start...


So, you are saying you didn't love me?


Kind of. Love is about mutual respect and making someone else a priority in your life. Showing you care and being there for them and supporting them. Not playing the martyr and then looking for pity and blaming the person you "love" for how miserable you have made yourself. But I really hope you do want me to be happy. I still want that for you.

Actually, if someone really loves you, they will do everything in their power to make you want to stay no matter how difficult the situation is.



I feel a bit better. Like I set the record straight.

Though no one really knows about this blog who knows me.

There was more. He has been flooding facebook with posts. Tons of stuff about dating and what he wants in a partner as well. I worry about whoever he gets next. He would only go on FB every few months until our last couple's session. Then he was always on and always reading over my shoulder. Some of the others I saw seem to have been removed from his page so that responding to it will make me look nuts. I had already shown them to others, though, so I have witnesses that they were real.

I don't know how to handle this. He still has a lot of my stuff, and my adult son is living with him temporarily. I don't want my kids to become targets for me. I need to get therapy started here and get some guidance. 


I know he is still gaslighting.

Read that link if you don't know about that mental abuse technique.
For now I guess I stay quiet or vague publicly. And don't respond to his bait.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Reasons

Why ask "why?"

I was stuck going 'round and 'round in my head trying to decipher why my husband was acting the way he was. Why was he treating me the way he did? Was any of it my fault? What was I responsible for and what did I need to do about it?

It could have been that part of the neglect was coming from his depression. Since I suffer from Major Depression, I felt I should support him and be more empathic.

It could have been that the with holding of information was memory issues and not intentional. Either as side effects of his medications, his brain surgery, or possibly due to lack of oxygen to his brain from his partially collapsed lung and the fact he refused to even cut down on his smoking. I felt I should encourage him to get checked out by his doctors.

It could have been that his refusal to enforce any sort of consequences on his children's behavior was tied with his possible Superman Complex, and a need to always be "the good guy". I felt I should support him and push for counseling for himself, his kids, and family counseling sessions as well.

I could go on. The relationship issues were varied and complex.

I did come to realize that my complacency and acceptance of the treatment I received directed what was allowed acceptable behavior. That was my responsibility. 

Asking "why?" was important in sorting out how to approach making changes. Seeking proper treatment for the symptoms requires you figure out the origin, at least in general.

But I got stuck there when I had done all I could do myself and was waiting for him to join me in seeking a healthy relationship. And he didn't.

There comes a time when the "why" stops meaning anything. It doesn't matter anymore if there are no changes being made. No effort. I waited 2 years from the time I demanded he get his kids and himself and us in therapy. I know that change is slow, so my expectations were not linked to a timeline, but things actually deteriorated instead of improving. 

In the end, I had to leave because I came to realize that one way or another, staying would kill me.
"Why?" matters not if I cease to exist.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Shocking

Did you mean what you said?

What do you do when you are told that no matter what you say or what evidence you have, you are wrong because the other person already decided on what is "true". That they won't even look at any information you have because they know they are correct?

What about when it is your re-diagnosis and treatment for mental illness and they have decided you need to return to treatment that never worked? 

Being told that I was "better" when I was over-medicated and numb and confused and just going through the motions in life, but submissive and behaved myself was like a slap in the face. The kid's therapist said our homelife wasn't healthy, my next 2 therapists then said I was in an abusive situation. His own therapist said we had issues we needed to work on.

Perhaps I misheard him... so I tried to talk about it again. No, he was serious. 

And today, I was told that when I am in a bad mood, no matter the cause, it is an attack on him. And he doesn't like it. I need to just be happy. Period. Or keep it to myself. That he has every right to get pissed at me if I ever raise my voice at all, or get frustrated, or cry, or feel down. It's not allowed.

uh... no.

Everyone is allowed to their feelings. If he can get pissed so can I. No, I don't get to attack people. duh. But I have a right to feel no matter what effect my mood has on others.

Want me happy? Don't treat me like crap. Respect me and my feelings. You don't have to agree or even own your part in the situation when it happens to include you.

Want me to be happy? Do something nice for me just because I matter to you. Don't make me beg.

Want me to be happy? Help ease my pain don't add to it.

Want me to be happy? Don't attack me, blame me, insult me, hurt me.

Why am I even trying? I thought it was his depression and the superman complex thing, but...
Is it?
Or is he a narcissist? He has been doing what is called gaslighting. And this passed week he set me up for an anxiety attack, then pushed a well-known button and when I snapped at him (and then immediately apologized), I got the silent treatment with dirty looks. Then he didn't come to bed that night. 

What exactly am I dealing with? Does it matter if he isn't willing to make any changes?

Oh, God...

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

It's been a while

Complications


Since my last entry a few months ago (before finally adding "You Are What You Believe" a few minutes ago) life has gone off the rails.

I have been kind of stuck. Needing to make changes I cannot and having no options available that I could accept because they would have likely led to worse situations than the one I am in. So I have been in a holding pattern. Waiting.

Then I got sick. I felt off for a week, then I had a gall bladder attack. I went to the ER, and ended up getting it removed later that day. Then this past week recovering at home, well it was multi-levels of hell. I couldn't do anything for myself, and no one here really took care of me. What little they did, they demanded high praises for, and patted themselves on the back. It was like an intense pointed micro-version of my life. When you have to wait for food and the hunger pains turn to nausea, and then you get light headed, and then you are still waiting because the person you are relying on is busy playing a computer game, eventhough you are telling them your symptoms and asking them to please hurry, well, that kind of puts it in perspective. When you say "I need..." and the answer is "In a minute" that lasts hours... yeah. Not good. If it had been just one instance, or if I hadn't explained why, that would be allowable I suppose. But it was every time I was thirsty, hungry, tired or needed help so I could shower. Even making phone calls on my behalf. I see how low I rate now. It is very clear. And it hurts.

From them being annoyed at me going in, and then being abandoned at the hospital alone for the day, no one showing up until right before I went in for surgery, pissed off at me for asking them to hurry back, I guess I should have expected the rest of it.

I know how they see me now. An inconvenience when I am not useful to them. My needs do not even show on their radar. I cannot depend on them at all. I am already alone.

You Are What You Believe

"You Are..."

My whole life I have heard what I am. Who I am. What I can expect and should accept.
And I did. 
I took it to heart. I believed. How I was never enough. That I deserved what I got. That I was less-than.
Less than others.
That led to depression, desperation, and unhappiness.
Break downs and misdiagnosis, mistreatment, over-medication.

Then after years of therapy and self-discovery, I found a truth.
Everyone is worthy of certain basic things in life.
Respect
Love
A life worth living

There are no guarantees, and sometimes you have to fight for these things, but you are WORTHY of them. You don't get to skip consequences for your actions and decisions, but they are yours to make.

There is a trick. Knowing who to listen to. The way around it is to question everything and find your truth. The information we get in life, through education and experience, comes from others. And nobody is perfect, even those you look to for answers. And people have biases and agendas. You need to know them and keep them in mind when filtering through life's information.

You are what and who you believe you are. Sometimes you are wrong. If you don't question it, you will never know. I look at evidence. Facts. That helps. You know they whys in your life, and get to judge yourself. Don't use other people's opinions to decide your worth. Don't just accept anything without investigation simply because it comes from someone who is supposedly in charge.

That was my mistake. Belief without proof. If you are surrounded by people who do not have your own best interest as priority one, you cannot take their words on faith. No one knows you like you do, and people tend to take the easy path in life more often than not. Accepting their preconceived beliefs and acting on them without taking anything else into consideration. Also, some people are just dark, for various reasons of their own. 

I found out the hard way.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Well, I Wasn't Expecting That

And The Walls, Come Tumbling Down

I was hopeful of co-operation. I was wanting things to turn around.
And I was prepared for a "no". A painful smackdown refusal.

That's not what happened. Instead I got silence. And stalling. And redirection.

I did not have a plan for those. I stuttered. I was confused on what to do or say.

I kept repeating myself over the days that followed, in different ways and different words.

I got no where fast.

My counselor said something that was a revelation. Sometimes no answer is a "no" answer.

So this is it. I have to make an ultimatum... and leave.

This time not coming back until changes are done. Work is progressive and happening. My quality of life would be acceptable if I returned.

No promises this time. Results and proof before belief in a possible future.

It kills me to think about what I am doing. It feels like giving up. But I was told to look at it as me moving forward and the choice to come with me is not mine.

Ultimatums are hard. They feel like bullying. Controlling. I do not want to be that person.
Healthy relationships don't have ultimatums. But, this is already an unhealthy relationship, so as a last straw I have to make demands and then stick to my requirements. To try to jump-start this into a healthier life.

They started as a list of needs that I felt I deserved having met just because I am human.

1. Stable shelter
2. mental and physical health treatment.
3. medications
4. more than one meal a day and healthy balanced diet

These were things I was not in contol of and was not getting. Steps needed to be taken that I couldn't do and they weren't happening.

Now? I must find a way to be self-sufficient. It has been proven that no one will do what needs to be done, and I can't stay here and get them.

Those were the basics I felt I could say had to happen without feeling guilty for asking. That had to happen for me to stay.

There are other issues, but they are secondary. Now some of those must be met too before I return.

Trying not to feel like a bitch.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Time's up. Pencils down.

Decision Time

I can't put it off any longer. I have to lay it all out there in no uncertain terms. 
I voiced my needs. I stepped up and tried to get things done myself and hit a brick wall.
I have done everything I could myself, and have empty hands.
I explained exactly what needed to be done, step by step. It didn't happen.

I am in a hard place.

I hate people who make demands, but what else can I do?
I literally can't live like this, and I am not ready to die.

I have to decide what I honestly believe I have a right to ask for.
I have to decide what I am willing to deal with.
I have to decide what I will do if the answer is "no".

My future is hanging in the balance, so to speak.

I am scared.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Stand Up

Falling Down Happens.

It's inevitable that things come up and sometimes knock you back. Whether created by you by not being prepared or just making bad decisions, or out of the blue with no attatched reason. That's life, as they say.

When you find yourself down, you can stay and wallow, or give up, or change direction. I have tried to give up. Several times. The universe wouldn't let me. I have tried the wallowing. It's painful and I don't recommend it. There is no pay off worth self-torture. And now? Changing direction.

I started this blog when I first decided to change direction. It hasn't been easy. I am still just turning the first corner, and it has been like marching in a knee-deep lake of mud. I have taken the first steps, got stuck, almost fell again, and then starting pushing forward.

The problem most distressing is finding those I thought wanted the best for me, would rather I wallow. It is partly my own fault. The wallowing I chose and they got used to it. Every little slam and shove I allowed let them know it was okay to do it to me. I take responsibility for that.

I helped create this mess. It doesn't really matter 'why' I allowed it. Blame isn't important and will just suck me back into the muck. Yes, I must remember my past so I don't repeat it, but I can't hold it close and cling to it. I must re-make myself. Re-take myself. Own all of it. The good and the bad. And then let it go so it can't hold me back.

That's not who I want to be anymore.

This is scary. There are so many unknowns. Where will I be? Who will be with me? Who will I be?

I have no answers yet. Only mounting questions.

The ground is uneven and trembles, but it is time to stand up.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Ungiving Up

I guess this is a restart.
I am still not sure what form this blog will take, and I am not sure I care. It will be a place for me to remember my past, hope for the future, and bemoan the present. At least for now.
Originally it was going to be a vague diary to get thoughts organized without details for prying eyes.

I was hiding. Hurting. Lost.

-Not so much anymore. So many changes are taking place; have taken place.
On facebook I have started speaking my mind, as I have here at home. It has not been harmonious overall, but I have not been confronted or attacked as I had feared.

I am starting to believe that I have worth and a future and that my needs are just as impotant as anyone else's. That may sound silly to any who have not lived the life I have, or are in the situations I find myself in.

I allowed myself and what I wanted to be written-off. I allowed depression and anxiety and people with control over my life to make all the decisions unquestioningly. It led to despair. Then one catastrophe after another bombarded me. I almost disappeared completely.

I am coming back now. My mind is functioning and I have returned to my search of purpose and happiness.

Where does it go from here?