Monday, June 22, 2015

Time's up. Pencils down.

Decision Time

I can't put it off any longer. I have to lay it all out there in no uncertain terms. 
I voiced my needs. I stepped up and tried to get things done myself and hit a brick wall.
I have done everything I could myself, and have empty hands.
I explained exactly what needed to be done, step by step. It didn't happen.

I am in a hard place.

I hate people who make demands, but what else can I do?
I literally can't live like this, and I am not ready to die.

I have to decide what I honestly believe I have a right to ask for.
I have to decide what I am willing to deal with.
I have to decide what I will do if the answer is "no".

My future is hanging in the balance, so to speak.

I am scared.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Stand Up

Falling Down Happens.

It's inevitable that things come up and sometimes knock you back. Whether created by you by not being prepared or just making bad decisions, or out of the blue with no attatched reason. That's life, as they say.

When you find yourself down, you can stay and wallow, or give up, or change direction. I have tried to give up. Several times. The universe wouldn't let me. I have tried the wallowing. It's painful and I don't recommend it. There is no pay off worth self-torture. And now? Changing direction.

I started this blog when I first decided to change direction. It hasn't been easy. I am still just turning the first corner, and it has been like marching in a knee-deep lake of mud. I have taken the first steps, got stuck, almost fell again, and then starting pushing forward.

The problem most distressing is finding those I thought wanted the best for me, would rather I wallow. It is partly my own fault. The wallowing I chose and they got used to it. Every little slam and shove I allowed let them know it was okay to do it to me. I take responsibility for that.

I helped create this mess. It doesn't really matter 'why' I allowed it. Blame isn't important and will just suck me back into the muck. Yes, I must remember my past so I don't repeat it, but I can't hold it close and cling to it. I must re-make myself. Re-take myself. Own all of it. The good and the bad. And then let it go so it can't hold me back.

That's not who I want to be anymore.

This is scary. There are so many unknowns. Where will I be? Who will be with me? Who will I be?

I have no answers yet. Only mounting questions.

The ground is uneven and trembles, but it is time to stand up.