Wednesday, October 7, 2015

It's been a while


Since my last entry a few months ago (before finally adding "You Are What You Believe" a few minutes ago) life has gone off the rails.

I have been kind of stuck. Needing to make changes I cannot and having no options available that I could accept because they would have likely led to worse situations than the one I am in. So I have been in a holding pattern. Waiting.

Then I got sick. I felt off for a week, then I had a gall bladder attack. I went to the ER, and ended up getting it removed later that day. Then this past week recovering at home, well it was multi-levels of hell. I couldn't do anything for myself, and no one here really took care of me. What little they did, they demanded high praises for, and patted themselves on the back. It was like an intense pointed micro-version of my life. When you have to wait for food and the hunger pains turn to nausea, and then you get light headed, and then you are still waiting because the person you are relying on is busy playing a computer game, eventhough you are telling them your symptoms and asking them to please hurry, well, that kind of puts it in perspective. When you say "I need..." and the answer is "In a minute" that lasts hours... yeah. Not good. If it had been just one instance, or if I hadn't explained why, that would be allowable I suppose. But it was every time I was thirsty, hungry, tired or needed help so I could shower. Even making phone calls on my behalf. I see how low I rate now. It is very clear. And it hurts.

From them being annoyed at me going in, and then being abandoned at the hospital alone for the day, no one showing up until right before I went in for surgery, pissed off at me for asking them to hurry back, I guess I should have expected the rest of it.

I know how they see me now. An inconvenience when I am not useful to them. My needs do not even show on their radar. I cannot depend on them at all. I am already alone.

You Are What You Believe

"You Are..."

My whole life I have heard what I am. Who I am. What I can expect and should accept.
And I did. 
I took it to heart. I believed. How I was never enough. That I deserved what I got. That I was less-than.
Less than others.
That led to depression, desperation, and unhappiness.
Break downs and misdiagnosis, mistreatment, over-medication.

Then after years of therapy and self-discovery, I found a truth.
Everyone is worthy of certain basic things in life.
A life worth living

There are no guarantees, and sometimes you have to fight for these things, but you are WORTHY of them. You don't get to skip consequences for your actions and decisions, but they are yours to make.

There is a trick. Knowing who to listen to. The way around it is to question everything and find your truth. The information we get in life, through education and experience, comes from others. And nobody is perfect, even those you look to for answers. And people have biases and agendas. You need to know them and keep them in mind when filtering through life's information.

You are what and who you believe you are. Sometimes you are wrong. If you don't question it, you will never know. I look at evidence. Facts. That helps. You know they whys in your life, and get to judge yourself. Don't use other people's opinions to decide your worth. Don't just accept anything without investigation simply because it comes from someone who is supposedly in charge.

That was my mistake. Belief without proof. If you are surrounded by people who do not have your own best interest as priority one, you cannot take their words on faith. No one knows you like you do, and people tend to take the easy path in life more often than not. Accepting their preconceived beliefs and acting on them without taking anything else into consideration. Also, some people are just dark, for various reasons of their own. 

I found out the hard way.