Since my last entry a few months ago (before finally adding "You Are What You Believe" a few minutes ago) life has gone off the rails.
I have been kind of stuck. Needing to make changes I cannot and having no options available that I could accept because they would have likely led to worse situations than the one I am in. So I have been in a holding pattern. Waiting.
Then I got sick. I felt off for a week, then I had a gall bladder attack. I went to the ER, and ended up getting it removed later that day. Then this past week recovering at home, well it was multi-levels of hell. I couldn't do anything for myself, and no one here really took care of me. What little they did, they demanded high praises for, and patted themselves on the back. It was like an intense pointed micro-version of my life. When you have to wait for food and the hunger pains turn to nausea, and then you get light headed, and then you are still waiting because the person you are relying on is busy playing a computer game, eventhough you are telling them your symptoms and asking them to please hurry, well, that kind of puts it in perspective. When you say "I need..." and the answer is "In a minute" that lasts hours... yeah. Not good. If it had been just one instance, or if I hadn't explained why, that would be allowable I suppose. But it was every time I was thirsty, hungry, tired or needed help so I could shower. Even making phone calls on my behalf. I see how low I rate now. It is very clear. And it hurts.
From them being annoyed at me going in, and then being abandoned at the hospital alone for the day, no one showing up until right before I went in for surgery, pissed off at me for asking them to hurry back, I guess I should have expected the rest of it.
I know how they see me now. An inconvenience when I am not useful to them. My needs do not even show on their radar. I cannot depend on them at all. I am already alone.