Thursday, February 18, 2016

Reality Check

Let's discuss some details behind the scenes

He says he cares about me. How did he show he cared for me over this past year?

He never sent in the paperwork to restart my medical coverage.
He made derogatory remarks about me and my son as "jokes" even after I asked him to stop; saying they hurt my feelings.
He remained friends with a guy who tried to talk me into having sex with him behind my husband's back after I showed him the text conversation, and asked me to pretend nothing was wrong and that I hadn't told him about it, and would leave me alone with that man when he came over and expected me to be nice and friendly to him.
He allowed people over at all hours when I requested no visitors while I was trying to sleep.
He left me in the ER alone for over 6 hours when I had a severe gall bladder attack, and barely made it back in time to sign for my surgery; during recovery he fed me once a day sometimes not till 2am, stalled getting me a drink to take pain pills for hours because he was busy playing a video game, and only helped me shower once in two weeks when I needed assistance to do so.
He refused to acknowledge my re-diagnosis and changes in treatment.
He told me that if he ever lost his temper it would be my fault for not letting him shut down and shut out me and the kids.
He told me that I was not allowed to have any negative feelings because they ruin his good mood and therefore I needed to just be happy or at least hide that I wasn't or I was attacking him.
He allowed his kids to take my belongings without asking and without consequence, and disrespect me, and did not require them to do what I asked of them.
He refused to make any suggested changes by any of the therapists we had seen, be it family, couple's or individual.

...I could go on.

I tried to explain to him the difference between caring about me, and only caring about how I affect him and his life. He prides himself on the fact that one of my old counselors once told him he had a superman complex and needed help. He thinks this is awesome. Superman is his hero. I repeatedly tried to explain that martyrdom is not selfless nor is it a healthy ideal you should desire in a relationship. So this comment about never putting himself first, well, it's bullshit. He will make himself suffer needlessly, and me as well, if it will allow him to play on people's sympathies or get praise for being such a saint. How much more self-centered can you get than to create chaos and harm those you love for attention?

And he gaslighted again. I misunderstood him somehow. He is concerned for me.  He puts words in my mouth saying I am making him out to be the bad guy. 

Honestly? I don't think of him as a bad guy. He is an immature survivor of childhood abuse who never learned how to have a healthy relationship. I pity him. I have no need to label him "bad". He makes unhealthy choices and has no desire to change or grow. I was suffering by choosing to stay in a relationship with him the way he is. I came to understand that I was not going to survive much longer if I stayed, and I had zero power to make the needed changes myself. 

I can empathize as a fellow survivor, but I WANT to have healthy relationships. I want to be content in my life. I am tired of the chaos and unnecessary pain. And most importantly, I don't want to die.



So, I had decided not to confront my Other. I have been redirecting his texts into conversations about the details of getting a few personal items back from him. Being polite but not giving any information on myself. Then tonight happened. What follows is our conversation, Next post will be a reality check based on this conversation.

He's been trying to draw me into a conversation about us repeatedly. I decided to just give in and respond truthfully but with as much kindness as I could muster.

For clarity: Missy (Babygirl) is my dog.

How've you been doing? Been thinkin about ya an hopin U are doin ok.
as good as can be expected. how's the sorting and packing going?
Long an crazy. You have a buncha' plates an stuff now. Sorting out kitchen stuff 4 U.
I miss the cuddles frown emoticon
i bet.
Except Missy hoggin the blanket- lol
L***** had back surgery the other day
hope it went well
She seems better. A boone fragment grew into heer muscle and was stabbing her from the inside
ack. i should call her or something.
She's been home quite a bit lately.
U tell D** Happy Birthday?
of course.
I've been slowly putting stuff 4 U in the closet
You been doin ok there?
What's wrong?
besides missy throwing up all the time and not knowing anyone here?
Poor Baby girl
Well, I miss you bein' here
What do U mean? I miss my Buttercup
No matter what you may or may not think, I will always love you!
K?..... What's the matter?
I don't know what you expect me to say to that, but i didn't want to not respond. so i said "k". nothing is the matter.
I dunno... guess I was jus worried. Jus wonderin what ya think and how you feel
why? (brb. need to go outside for a minute)
I tol a... I care about U. U know that.
No, I don't know that. You made it clear that you don't actually care about me. You care about you and how I made you feel, and what effect I had on your life, and what I could do for you. Not me. And I am learning to accept that. Right now you are worried about your reputation and how you look to me, not about me at all.
My reputation? Sigh... I dunno where certain thought issues come from there, but I guess I jus can't simply understand where you're coming from. Yes, I do have certain issues with "How I look to you", but I never singled my thoughts out on myself. Never will. I always wondered what was goin on with you and why things were going as they were. You are the only person I can honestly see myself with and I even said about being with you till I die. I stressed about everything and you and what was happening to you was a big part of that. As was the kids too.... everyone else over me. Even Missy! I dunno why you think what you do, but I'm jus not thinking on the same line as you I guess ;{
I'm srry that you misunderstood me. I never intended for that
your actions showed your priorities and you were very clear in the end about your thoughts on me and our relationship and what you were not willing to do. I truly do not think I misunderstood any of it.
i don't doubt that you wanted me to stay, or that you are lonely now that I am gone. And I am not saying any of this to be mean or hurt you. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt. That you didn't intend to do me harm. That you believe what you are saying now. I worry about who ever you end up with next if you continue on this way. I worry about your kids and what they have learned from you. And I really do wish you to be happy.
I only want you to be happy. Sounds like you only see me as a bad guy. I am sorry. No... I'd never try to hurt you. No I never wanted to lose you. Part of that is the only reason I went to therapy. I did it for us, not me. I dunno.... I guess I'm jus still concerned about you.
Take care... again I'm sorry

see? if i only saw you as a bad guy, i wouldn't have even bothered to say any of that. why would I? I don't know if you are really in such denial that you don't even know what you did and didn't do, but please understand that the reason i demanded you go to therapy was because you have issues that are affecting everyone around you. You chose not to make any changes, though. In fact, you doubled down and things escalated and got worse. Maybe you will never see it. Or maybe you are trying to play mind games with me on purpose. You will probably try to write me off now. I really am trying to help you and everyone you interact with. Maybe it's a lost cause. I'm sorry I couldn't get through to you. I really do wish you the best and I do regret how things went.