Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Nowhere to run

I shouldn't feel this way

My van died. Not the battery dying and needed a jump start, and "Oh, gee we need a new battery." I mean it's dead. The oil light came on, then it made a grinding sound and a thump. When I tried to restart it, it made a horrible, louder grinding sound and a thump and died again. We were almost home, so we pushed it the rest of the way and went inside. It was night and it was cold. This was the night before the big "Polar Vortex" hit.

I hunkered down and waited, hoping it was just begging for oil, and by some miracle there was an oil leak and if we just put oil in it (ha ha) it would be a happy little van and make it to the shop (even though we have no hope of being able to pay to fix it anyway). But it wasn't that low on oil. My husband poured oil in anyway, and we tried starting it up again, only to hear it complain to me again. With the hood up, we could hear that the thump was coming from the side of the engine.

I texted my daughter, hoping she would come take a look at it for a clue as to what is wrong since she is a whiz with cars and going to school to be a mechanic. No luck. Her truck's power steering went out and she can't turn around out here. She is fixing it tomorrow.

Then it hits me. Tomorrow is my counseling.

I have been logging away things that have been coming up the past two weeks. Saving them for my counseling session. All the little slams. All the minor attacks on my self esteem. All the things that have happened and I didn't know how to react. What to say. What to do.

There will be no help. And all of a sudden I feel trapped. And I feel panic.

And I want to cry.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Where to start


I knew I needed it again when I was ready to scream and run and give up but part of me wanted to fix everything for them all and stay. And I was broken. What he said snapped something. Too much force had been applied after too much time of me being the one in charge, yet the one who was "too weak" and had no authority. Handling things yet "can't handle anything" and falling apart at the seams. Things had been sliding by and nothing had been supported. And it was too much. So I told him we both HAD to have therapy or else I was leaving. The end.

Both my children had moved out by then. 
My daughter abruptly RIGHT then. Too soon for her. I don't think she was ready. She should have been able to stay with me till college, but she didn't want to come back. I couldn't make her. I began to beg once, but I couldn't even do that. She's gone, she's gone. There are still nights it hits me hard that she's gone.

My son moved in with my ex a few years ago. I still beg him to go out to dinner with me occasionally, and he says yes and goes and we have a good time, but he reminds me how he wants nothing to do with the family and how messed up I am. And he's right. And I don't blame him.

My step kids are in control of the home. What they want they get. The grown one goes from house to house at will and demands things and gets them. Currently she seems to have moved back in with us after moving out of our previous house and took her sisters room over, even taking her bed, and trashed the room. My husband said nothing. Even when her sister came to him.

My husband is fighting depression. And resisting change. Resisting me. And not understanding why things can't just go on. Why I can't just be happy with how things are.

But his therapist says he is making progress...