Tuesday, November 8, 2016

speechless

I can't write about anything tonight. I am scared. I am hurt. I am lost. For myself, my friends, a good chunk of my family... I just... God help us all.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Following Through When You Can't

Like most people, I've made promises to do things. 
I fully intend to do exactly what I say I will.

And then something interferes with my plans, and I can't.
Maybe my priorities shift because of emergency situations.
Maybe my health fails me out of the blue.
Maybe a required part of the plan breaks or disappears.
Maybe the situation is much more complicated and my simple plan isn't workable.

I used to feel horrible when I couldn't keep a promise, because I have been on the other side of depending on others and having them not come through for me. Even if the person was understanding about it, I would beat myself up for them. It would mess with other parts of my life. My relationships could all suffer. My health sometimes suffered. And it fixed nothing.


Then I figured something out.
There are ways to keep the spirit of a promise, if not the letter of it. You just have to skip feeling bad and look at the possible failure as a challenge for creativity.

Here are some examples:


I promised to help a friend move, knowing she had no one else. The day of the move I was in a lot of pain and my van wouldn't start. I couldn't help her at all. So, I started calling in favors of other friends. I asked for help fulfilling this promise. I called my friend, apologized and told her my situation and what I was trying to do to still help her move. I asked her if there was anything else I could do for her. She was stressed and needed to talk so I sat on the phone with her for an hour. I managed to find a friend of a friend with a truck, and 3 volunteers to load and unload for her. So, I still ended up helping her move, even though I didn't.

I promised my kids when we moved to a small town that we would not move again before they graduated. I promised they would never have to switch schools again. A few years down the road, our house got foreclosed on. There were no rentals in that small town big enough for our family that we could afford. We had to move to a new school district. I set up with family friends and the school for them to stay there during the week so they could stay at that school. When that didn't work, I had several meetings and phone calls with the Principal and Superintendent and helped the now teenagers figure out transportation and then I filed the proper paperwork request for them to still attend out of district. They graduated from there.

But...

There have been times where I had to back out of social plans, and there is no way to fix that one.
When your promise is your attendance and you can't, there is no substitute.
That's when you have to figure out what the spirit of the promise is. For me and social activities, the promise is more about being supportive and involved in someone's life than actually just being in a certain place at a certain time.

So what I do is offer to spend time with them later, or offer that they can call me during or after the event if they want to talk. I request pictures and video of the event to show I care and comment on what I see in them. I follow up after the event and ask lots of questions about how it went, their favorite moment, or let them complain about what went wrong. Whatever lets them know I care about them and what they do.


And there have been promises that I had to break where all I could do was promise to do better next time. It happens. This existence is full of factors that are not within our control. Trying to take responsibility for those just drive you nuts. At those times you learn with the help of hindsight what precautions you can make for the chaos for next time. THAT is your responsibility. To learn. And thinking of it that way helps me not blame myself and cause extra damage when those things inevitably happen.

An overall idea in all of this is a truth I learned in DBT:

We are all doing the best we can, with the tools and information we have at the time. And we must continue to try to do better.


Sunday, November 6, 2016

What's wrong with me?

I actually hate it when people ask me about my individual challenges in this life by asking what's "wrong" with me, but it's the fairly universal wording people use when they approach the subject.

In full disclosure, I have decided to list all the ways I have challenges that a lot of others don't. I will be pulling from this list for future posts to give insight, encourage others, and share what I have learned. Here we go.

My Mental Health Laundry List

current diagnoses:

Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Social Anxiety Disorder
Panic Disorder
Dermatillomania
Major Depression
Body Dismorphia
Insomnia/Other Sleep Disorders
Various Phobias


past issues still causing problems:

Anorexia-Nervosa
History of Sexual Abuse
History of Emotional Abuse
History of Self Harm
Survivor of Bullying
Survivor of Date Rape
Survivor of Domestic Violence
Survivor of Suicide Attempts

previous diagnoses since changed:

Possible Mood Disorder (as a minor)
Bipolar II
Rapid Cycling Bipolar
Bipolar IV (not otherwise specified)


My Physical Health Laundry List 

(because it impacts the Mental Health)

current issues:

Fibromyalgia
IBS
Trans-Vaginal Mesh Implant Migration
Severe Allergies


past issues still having effects:

Permanent Damage from Injuries
Physical Changes/Side Effects After Surgeries



There are other minor things, but you get the idea. I have more than a few things I can talk about. I do consider myself in Recovery, but I still struggle. Yesterday was particularly difficult. 

If I can just help one person not feel alone or find one thing that helps them, I am a success.


Friday, November 4, 2016

When you don't know where to go for help

Partial List of Resources

I'm going to start with suicide prevention, education, and support because dealing with that issue is the most immediately life threatening and vastly devastating condition.

Most people know about the

National Suicide Prevention Hotline. 1-800-273-8255

But did you know they also have a text option?

You just text the word "Start" to 741-741

Also, they have on online chat option on their website, and links for specific populations like Youth, Disaster Survivors, Native Americans, Verterans, Loss Survivors, LQBTQ+Attempt Survivors, Deaf or Hard of Hearing, or (Ayuda En EspaƱol)Spanish Translation.
HERE: 



Another online chat option with trained crisis staff can be found at:
http://hopeline.com/


And if you have lost someone, are concerned about someone, or an attempt survivor yourself:
you can also find links to specific support at The American Suicide Prevention Foundation.


Another thing I found is the project over at Live Through This. There you can read interviews with attempt survivors.
Their message to anyone considering suicide is "Please Stay".



Mental Health Information and Support


The National Institute of Mental Health has the latest information, research and links to finding help.

NAMI- The National Alliance on Mental Illness is all about education, support, and advocacy for the Mentally Ill. You can type in your state and find out what's available in your area.

The Mighty is a site with stories, articles, advice and information on a variety of diseases, disabilities, and mental illness.



In the future I will make posts dedicated to specific subjects I have personal experience with, so- stay tuned.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Story time- When I did everything right, and it still went wrong

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A little bit of background. I have been through decades of various therapies; learning what works and what doesn't and gathering tools to improve my quality of life.

I had a list of coping skills.
I had a list of social support people.
I had a safety plan.

I have used them all before, to varying levels of success. I was prepared and ready for whatever life dealt me...
or so I thought.

A couple weeks ago I pushed my limits to accomplish some things I thought were important, planning downtime to recover after. I came home to news that my disability was denied after I thought it was about to go through just in time to save me from becoming homeless. It triggered panic attacks, some PTSD issues, various anxiety disorders I have, and I started having some symptoms of depression.

So I noted all the red flags, and went through my coping skills. And I tried to do what needed done and make a new plan. My therapist was out of town, but I would see her next week. I just had to be careful.

The next day, my son contacted me. with happy but stressful and shocking news. The baby they were expecting is actually identical twins. Cue worry, fear, along with joy.

And then he let me know that an old friend lost his battle with depression and took his own life.

My world tilted.

It was just too much. Within a few hours I knew I was in big trouble. I pulled out my safety plan.

I called the first person on my list to find the number no longer in service. I later realized I hadn't updated it when she got her new phone. I called the second person- straight to voice mail. Waited an hour, again straight to voice mail. I found out later she hadn't been able to pay her phone bill and it had been turned off the day before. I called the third, and due to her current circumstances, she ended up saying the wrong things and invalidating me and then dumped her own problems on me. I cried.

Trying to get a grip on myself, I went through the rest of my safety plan. What I found was that I hadn't updated it in a while. A lot of my go-to soothers were having to do with my companion pet, Missybaby, who passed away this past spring. Just reading them brought a fresh wash of grief over her.

Another section was all about doing art, but my old friend was an artist. It triggered me instead of helping.

Crafts? No supplies and no money to buy any.

Listen to music? I no longer had a way to play my CDs, and my ex has my mp3 player. I tried listening to the radio, but too many sad songs.

And that was it. No more prepared options.

So what did I do?

I kept the suicide hotline number at the ready, and I got online. I sent out a call for help on twitter to a group of strangers who all deal with mental health issues, and have been known to be there for anyone waving a surrender flag. And there were answers. I was not alone. I searched and found more online support. I found personal stories proving it gets better. I forced myself to open up at my weekly NAMI meeting and got some support. I searched and found uncommon coping skills lists, and found a few more to try. I got a free month of Amazon Prime and got music and movies and tv shows to encourage and uplift my mood. 

I let things go that weren't essential. I was gentle with myself, only doing what I needed to do without judging my choices. I worked on a plan of action over the things I could control. And I made it to my next appointment where we started revamping my safety plan.

I was lucky.

In the past, it hasn't worked out that well for me. There have been many times my safety plan just wasn't good enough to keep me out of the hospital. There have been times I waited too long to try, and later was told there is no logical reason why I survived. I don't think those times were worse than this one. It could have easily gone that way again.

The difference was perhaps experience. Or that I didn't give up. Or that I stumbled on impromptu support. Or a combination of those.

I learned that I need to make a backup plan for when my go-to stuff doesn't work. I learned how to carefully seek support without increasing my vulnerability or grasping toxic people out of desperation.

And I am still here.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Preparing for a Crisis

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Today I want to talk about self-care and safety planning. Knowing these things before a crisis happens can reduce the intensity of the crisis or help you get back on track much faster in the aftermath.

Self Care - Self Aware

What is self care anyway? 
It's a personal list of things you need to do for yourself to lessen how vulnerable you are to a possible crisis occurring when bad things happen. It is a personal thing, in that depending on your experiences and history, personality type and preferences, physical and mental health- your plan may be very different from the next person. That's where it can get tricky if you don't have a certain level of self-awareness. Let's start with the basics everyone needs, then we'll discuss personal self care.

Basic self-care for anyone:


1. Food/nutrition


Not getting enough to eat, or not eating regularly has been proven to affect how you handle life. It can have an effect on your mood, thinking abilities, and energy level.

2. Sleep


Getting regular, restful sleep is another basic need that can affect mood, thinking and energy level. 

3. Balance


Paying attention to what you spend your time on and how it effects you is important. Making sure you have enough positives in your life to relieve the negatives directly effects your mood and energy level, and can interfere with your thinking abilities.

Those 3 things are generally agreed upon as necessary and universally true for anyone. Next are some that may or may not pertain to you personally. 


4. Medications


If you have physical or mental health issues that require medications to help control negative symptoms, it is important to take them as directed. Uncontrolled symptoms (whether it's from pain, Diabetes, PMS, high blood pressure, Acid Reflux, vitamin deficiency, ADHD, a mood disorder, or any other mental or physical issue) can affect your ability to follow through with the first three self-care needs, or even directly cause problems with mood, thinking clearly, or energy levels.

5. Exercise


Most important is just maintaining the amount you move your body. The amount and intensity of how much people need to exercise is debatable and very individual. Just be aware of changes in your level of exercise and the effect they have on your quality of life.

6. Social Interaction


This one is tricky. I say it should be "Positive Social Life". What that means from one person to the next is very different. For self care, examples of this could be avoiding toxic relationships, seeking out like-minded people for conversation or support, or planning more time with your kids or pets. There are various reasons why limiting it to just "spending more time with people" could be a bad thing and increase your vulnerability rather than help it.

7. Relaxation/Down time


This can be different things for different people. It's really just figuring out what activities help you feel less tense or stressed. Whatever you enjoy, be it spending time in nature, doing crafts or other creative things, reading something by your favorite author or certain types of books, meditating or just being alone with your thoughts, looking at pictures of (insert favorite animal or environment), or any other activity you find calming. For some one thing may be just making sure to take breaks at work if you have a stressful job. It's important to remember that not everyone finds the same activities relaxing.

Those are just the basic categories according to me. Everything else I have found is either a sub category, or fits more than one of these. This list is just to get you started thinking about what your own personal self-care includes.



Safety Plans

I really feel that having a safety plan is important for everyone. No matter who you are, having a go-to list of steps to follow for if/when something goes wrong is so very helpful. It's about knowing what to do when you are distressed. Being in distress can effect your judgement and ability to remember things. That's why having it figured out ahead of time who you would call and what you would do and having that information somewhere easily accessible can make such a difference.

There are many templates out there for creating safety plans, and various professionals who can help you make your own, tailored to you. I am just going to cover basic questions to ask yourself when coming up with one.



Questions to ask yourself when coming up with a safety plan:


1. Who can help me?

List reliable friends and family along with how to contact them. If you have a history of a specific type of crisis that reoccurs, having contact information for professionals or organizations within that subject should also be on this list. Knowing who to contact for what and what times they are available ahead of time can help you not feel alone or lost when a crisis hits. The longer your list, the less likely you will find yourself without support when you need it.

2. What matters to me? What makes me feel good?

Having a list of positive things, coping techniques, and favorite activities ready ahead of time can be very helpful. When people are in crisis, they sometimes can't remember things like they can when they are calm. Having a list of reminders can jump start your brain from crisis mode to action mode, which will shorten recovery time, and (usually) the intensity of the effects of the crisis.

3. What types of events or experiences do I have trouble dealing with? What has worked for me in the past to deal with those? Did anything make it worse?

Knowing what parts of life you already struggle with can help you know where a possible crisis could come from, and tailor your safety plan to include specific coping or contacts for it. Knowing what kinds of things you have tried before to deal with similar problems, and what worked and what didn't can save time and energy. 


I recommend having an index card with this information on it in several places so it's easy to find when you need it. In your wallet, your glove box, your bedside table, your desk drawer, a note on your cell phone or in a file on your computer- any easy to find place. Make sure you always have access to your list!

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Alive and Kicking

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Where have you been?

I have been dealing with quite a few things. 
I got divorced.
I got active with NAMI.
I got trained as a NAMI Connections Support Group Leader.
I attended my state's Annual NAMI Conference.

And I was contemplating the direction I want this Blog to go.


I was thinking that I not only want to chronicle my life (As an artist and someone with Mental Health Issues), but also share information and support for others. Not just rant and journal vaguely as I did at the beginning of creating this place. And maybe share my art as well. We shall see.

And then all heck broke loose.


I found out my son and his girlfriend are having identical twin boys.
An old friend lost his battle with Depression and took his own life.
I had to enact my safety plan and realized it is out of date and it failed me.
I had to create a new one on the fly while in crisis.
And about 4 more Life Stress things.


So, really, I have been recovering from an overload.



It happens. Mental Illness is forever. It doesn't go away. It's just a fact that sometimes you do what you are supposed to do, and you can still end up in crisis.

The tools and coping skills you use today and stay fairly stable, can stop working. Or what is helpful today could be harmful tomorrow. Such is life.

Anyway, I am back.

And I have signed up for NaBloPoMo, through Blogher.com. I am going to attempt to post every day all through November. Hopefully it will become a habit, though after I may slow it down to a couple times a week.



Thursday, April 7, 2016

Recovery is a Process

Most people don't realize that it's a journey. The goal of recovery is not some mythical state of being "Recovered", but to just stay in Recovery. Keep moving forward.

It doesn't matter what you are in recovery for; Mental Disorders, Addiction, Abuse Issues, you name it. The goal is change and change never ends.

Steps to Recovery

The first step is knowing and accepting that something is a problem in your life and needs to be different. 
Some would argue that this is a Pre-Recovery step and you aren't really in recovery until you are making efforts to make positive changes in your life. I think it's important to note than most people have issues that they don't see as a problem in their life. Therefore, they don't identify it as a problem and have no incentive to change. Some of these people, however, see the potential of a future problem and begin making changes without ever labeling it a problem, just to avoid the possibility that it might one day become one. Personally, that makes it make sense to not refer to this as a step in active recovery. You get to choose for yourself if this is your first step, or merely the planning stages before you start marking steps.

Next is an intermission that lasts a varied amount of time. Here you face this realization and come to terms with what it means for you. Some people wallow here for quite some time, some just accept it as fact and jump to the next step. Some people have to fulfill a need to discover "why" this is a problem for them before they can begin to make efforts to change things about their life. The effort in this step is put towards understanding the issue, and perhaps not making any changes yet. Some people are still in this step when they start the next simultaneously. A trained professional is very helpful in sorting through everything and finding information for you to educate yourself on your issues.

Now you choose what direction to go. What changes are needed, and how to go about making them. Your life can become quite hectic and have extra drama in this step and the next one. It's important to have positive social support during this time. This is the step they talk about when they say things like "it's going to get worse before it gets better." When you first even start talking about making changes, it is uncomfortable and unknown and you may feel insecure. Add to it that most people do not like change, and anyone involved in the issues in your life may react negatively to you desiring change.

Then comes effort. This step is where you implement the changes you want to make. It's hard and feels "wrong" because it's new. There will be lots of things popping up you never considered that are affected by the changes, and you get to deal with them. You may discover secondary issues you need to also work on at any time in the process, but especially here because when you make positive changes, the other negatives aren't hidden anymore and grab your attention.

Then comes your proof. Here you notice the effects the changes have made in your life. You may find some choices aren't working the way you thought they would, or that you need to make other changes and make different plans of action.

Eventually you get to a satisfactory level in your quality of life.

Then comes maintenance. You have to continue choosing to move forward and not backward or getting stuck.  This is your goal. To maintain your new habits. It isn't guaranteed that you won't ever go back or end up stepping into a new version of your old problems and have to start the process over.

Remember your goal should be getting to a point where you think some version of "I am truly happy/content to continue on as I am now."

Recovery is personal

It's a personal choice. You can't make someone do it. Forced recovery lasts only until the control is lifted. If the person did not choose it, and does not want to change, as soon as they are free to make their own decisions they will go back. It is possible for a recovery to transition from forced to chosen, but the choice tends to happen during the control period, or after a relapse once the person has freedom to choose and makes to conscious choice to take responsibility for their recovery themselves.. Again, they have to want to make changes.

Recovery is unique

Everyone is different and what works for one does not work for everyone. Different people have different needs and perhaps added considerations to take in account. A prime example is religion. Some people are very religious and use it in their recovery and find it to be necessary or even essential to use their religious beliefs in their recovery. Others don't put as much weight or meaning in that part of their life and focus there doesn't have the same effect. Still others have a non-religious view on life and a focus on religion may actually be detrimental to their recovery. Recovery has to be tailored to the specific person and their needs to be successful.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Progress

What the hell am I up to?

Well, let's see...
A few weeks ago I traveled back home and filed for divorce and got my stuff that was being stored in my Other's grandmother's basement. It was chaotic. Frustrating. Emotional. Exhausting.

I had to spend some time with him. And he was being overly nice and friendly and helpful. Kind of. Except if it required him to actually do anything. Then, not so much. Nothing new.

It ended up getting drawn out an extra day, and then the court clerk contacted me two days after I returned saying I needed to file one more thing, but I was able to do it utilizing a notary and mail it in. (Whew!)

Okay, so why didn't I update sooner?

Simple answer: Drama. With a capital D.

More complex: My dog is dying. And slowly. It's painful and time-consuming and awful and heart-breaking. She is fading slowly, but not in any real pain. So I am just loving her and cleaning up after her and trying to enjoy every moment of her unconditional love for as long as it's here.

Also, my Other is creating chaos and trying to draw me in. I am tip-toeing on the high wire trying to stay out of it, semi-detached, but be nice at the same time. (Ugh!)

Also tons of therapy and trying to set up a support network for myself, and filing tons of paperwork for assistance things and half-heartedly looking for work that I might be able to do, am qualified for, and will hire me. (Ha!)

Throw in allergy junk, a med change and avoiding the LDS missionaries... and yeah. That pretty much covers it.

 I plan to start writing more often and regularly soon. Since no one really follows this blog I don't feel much pressure to keep it regular. I did list it in searches now, so that may change... 

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Reality Check

Let's discuss some details behind the scenes

He says he cares about me. How did he show he cared for me over this past year?

He never sent in the paperwork to restart my medical coverage.
He made derogatory remarks about me and my son as "jokes" even after I asked him to stop; saying they hurt my feelings.
He remained friends with a guy who tried to talk me into having sex with him behind my husband's back after I showed him the text conversation, and asked me to pretend nothing was wrong and that I hadn't told him about it, and would leave me alone with that man when he came over and expected me to be nice and friendly to him.
He allowed people over at all hours when I requested no visitors while I was trying to sleep.
He left me in the ER alone for over 6 hours when I had a severe gall bladder attack, and barely made it back in time to sign for my surgery; during recovery he fed me once a day sometimes not till 2am, stalled getting me a drink to take pain pills for hours because he was busy playing a video game, and only helped me shower once in two weeks when I needed assistance to do so.
He refused to acknowledge my re-diagnosis and changes in treatment.
He told me that if he ever lost his temper it would be my fault for not letting him shut down and shut out me and the kids.
He told me that I was not allowed to have any negative feelings because they ruin his good mood and therefore I needed to just be happy or at least hide that I wasn't or I was attacking him.
He allowed his kids to take my belongings without asking and without consequence, and disrespect me, and did not require them to do what I asked of them.
He refused to make any suggested changes by any of the therapists we had seen, be it family, couple's or individual.

...I could go on.

I tried to explain to him the difference between caring about me, and only caring about how I affect him and his life. He prides himself on the fact that one of my old counselors once told him he had a superman complex and needed help. He thinks this is awesome. Superman is his hero. I repeatedly tried to explain that martyrdom is not selfless nor is it a healthy ideal you should desire in a relationship. So this comment about never putting himself first, well, it's bullshit. He will make himself suffer needlessly, and me as well, if it will allow him to play on people's sympathies or get praise for being such a saint. How much more self-centered can you get than to create chaos and harm those you love for attention?

And he gaslighted again. I misunderstood him somehow. He is concerned for me.  He puts words in my mouth saying I am making him out to be the bad guy. 

Honestly? I don't think of him as a bad guy. He is an immature survivor of childhood abuse who never learned how to have a healthy relationship. I pity him. I have no need to label him "bad". He makes unhealthy choices and has no desire to change or grow. I was suffering by choosing to stay in a relationship with him the way he is. I came to understand that I was not going to survive much longer if I stayed, and I had zero power to make the needed changes myself. 

I can empathize as a fellow survivor, but I WANT to have healthy relationships. I want to be content in my life. I am tired of the chaos and unnecessary pain. And most importantly, I don't want to die.

Confrontation

Unintentionally 


So, I had decided not to confront my Other. I have been redirecting his texts into conversations about the details of getting a few personal items back from him. Being polite but not giving any information on myself. Then tonight happened. What follows is our conversation, Next post will be a reality check based on this conversation.

He's been trying to draw me into a conversation about us repeatedly. I decided to just give in and respond truthfully but with as much kindness as I could muster.

For clarity: Missy (Babygirl) is my dog.

How've you been doing? Been thinkin about ya an hopin U are doin ok.
as good as can be expected. how's the sorting and packing going?
Long an crazy. You have a buncha' plates an stuff now. Sorting out kitchen stuff 4 U.
I miss the cuddles frown emoticon
i bet.
Except Missy hoggin the blanket- lol
L***** had back surgery the other day
hope it went well
She seems better. A boone fragment grew into heer muscle and was stabbing her from the inside
ack. i should call her or something.
She's been home quite a bit lately.
U tell D** Happy Birthday?
of course.
I've been slowly putting stuff 4 U in the closet
You been doin ok there?
somewhat.
What's wrong?
besides missy throwing up all the time and not knowing anyone here?
Poor Baby girl
Well, I miss you bein' here
sure.
What do U mean? I miss my Buttercup
No matter what you may or may not think, I will always love you!
k.
K?..... What's the matter?
I don't know what you expect me to say to that, but i didn't want to not respond. so i said "k". nothing is the matter.
I dunno... guess I was jus worried. Jus wonderin what ya think and how you feel
why? (brb. need to go outside for a minute)
I tol a... I care about U. U know that.
No, I don't know that. You made it clear that you don't actually care about me. You care about you and how I made you feel, and what effect I had on your life, and what I could do for you. Not me. And I am learning to accept that. Right now you are worried about your reputation and how you look to me, not about me at all.
My reputation? Sigh... I dunno where certain thought issues come from there, but I guess I jus can't simply understand where you're coming from. Yes, I do have certain issues with "How I look to you", but I never singled my thoughts out on myself. Never will. I always wondered what was goin on with you and why things were going as they were. You are the only person I can honestly see myself with and I even said about being with you till I die. I stressed about everything and you and what was happening to you was a big part of that. As was the kids too.... everyone else over me. Even Missy! I dunno why you think what you do, but I'm jus not thinking on the same line as you I guess ;{
I'm srry that you misunderstood me. I never intended for that
your actions showed your priorities and you were very clear in the end about your thoughts on me and our relationship and what you were not willing to do. I truly do not think I misunderstood any of it.
i don't doubt that you wanted me to stay, or that you are lonely now that I am gone. And I am not saying any of this to be mean or hurt you. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt. That you didn't intend to do me harm. That you believe what you are saying now. I worry about who ever you end up with next if you continue on this way. I worry about your kids and what they have learned from you. And I really do wish you to be happy.
I only want you to be happy. Sounds like you only see me as a bad guy. I am sorry. No... I'd never try to hurt you. No I never wanted to lose you. Part of that is the only reason I went to therapy. I did it for us, not me. I dunno.... I guess I'm jus still concerned about you.
Take care... again I'm sorry

see? if i only saw you as a bad guy, i wouldn't have even bothered to say any of that. why would I? I don't know if you are really in such denial that you don't even know what you did and didn't do, but please understand that the reason i demanded you go to therapy was because you have issues that are affecting everyone around you. You chose not to make any changes, though. In fact, you doubled down and things escalated and got worse. Maybe you will never see it. Or maybe you are trying to play mind games with me on purpose. You will probably try to write me off now. I really am trying to help you and everyone you interact with. Maybe it's a lost cause. I'm sorry I couldn't get through to you. I really do wish you the best and I do regret how things went.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Begin Recovery

Getting Nowhere Fast

I have been spinning my wheels. Plans keep falling through or readjusting. Trying to figure out what I need to do and how to get it done has been near impossible. One step forward, two steps back with a side of second-guessing myself. Pretty much every aspect of my life is up in the air. It's hard to make a plan when you don't know where you are going, let alone how to get there.

Step-by-Step

The only thing I could manage to get done was finding a therapist after getting shuffled from one office to another and waiting for a call back, I got it set up. I did the getting to know you intake with her, and I think it will work. And she set me up with a DBT group, which I attended the first session this week. Hopefully I can get my mind and life sorted with her help while brushing up on my skills in the group.

Supportive Pressure

I wish people would understand that telling me they are behind any decision I make, but to hurry up and decide and start moving forward isn't helpful at all. I am disoriented and confused and not sure which way to go. I can't make a decision right now. Offering me 20 options and then saying "Choose!" when I don't have any details to base a decision on is frightening. I need information first. I need to weigh pros and cons. I want to move forward and with purpose. I need to feel somewhat in control and informed. I realize that slow and careful may look like I am not doing anything from outside, and it may be frustrating to those who want me to just be happy and live my life finally. I am starting from scratch, though. It wasn't that long ago that I couldn't make the simplest of decisions without panic attacks. Now I am making some major life decisions. I understand that it wouldn't be that hard for them. They have resources I don't. They aren't learning to trust their logic and intuition again after years of self-doubt. They have an income. They have a home. They aren't where I am mentally or physically. I wish I was. And I will be someday, but I'm not there yet.

I am not being lazy. Pressuring me is not motivating. It's debilitating. It causes anxiety and frustration and feelings of not being understood. It is not helpful. But I know they mean well.

Validation

I still feel the need to confront my Other. That would not be productive. In fact, it could cause problems. Perhaps I will write something up in a post here. Would that be therapeutic? I feel the need to put my experience out there somehow. Maybe then I could let it go, and stop having the urge to scream "Liar!" and "Bullshit!" every time I trip up on something he shares online. I did one reaction post on here already to stuff he was putting out there right after I left him. It helped until he increased what he was doing and it became more about blaming me, and posting what he needs from someone as if I hadn't given it to him and he wasn't the one not fulfilling our vows.

We'll see. I'll have to think about how I want to approach it.