Sunday, January 5, 2014

Where to start

Counseling

I knew I needed it again when I was ready to scream and run and give up but part of me wanted to fix everything for them all and stay. And I was broken. What he said snapped something. Too much force had been applied after too much time of me being the one in charge, yet the one who was "too weak" and had no authority. Handling things yet "can't handle anything" and falling apart at the seams. Things had been sliding by and nothing had been supported. And it was too much. So I told him we both HAD to have therapy or else I was leaving. The end.

Both my children had moved out by then. 
My daughter abruptly RIGHT then. Too soon for her. I don't think she was ready. She should have been able to stay with me till college, but she didn't want to come back. I couldn't make her. I began to beg once, but I couldn't even do that. She's gone, she's gone. There are still nights it hits me hard that she's gone.

My son moved in with my ex a few years ago. I still beg him to go out to dinner with me occasionally, and he says yes and goes and we have a good time, but he reminds me how he wants nothing to do with the family and how messed up I am. And he's right. And I don't blame him.

My step kids are in control of the home. What they want they get. The grown one goes from house to house at will and demands things and gets them. Currently she seems to have moved back in with us after moving out of our previous house and took her sisters room over, even taking her bed, and trashed the room. My husband said nothing. Even when her sister came to him.

My husband is fighting depression. And resisting change. Resisting me. And not understanding why things can't just go on. Why I can't just be happy with how things are.

But his therapist says he is making progress...

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