Wednesday, December 23, 2015

From Isolation to Exile


I had been cut-off and silenced. 
It wasn't sudden, mind you. 
It took place over a period of years. 

The end result was that I was alone when the reality of my situation slammed into my face. 
I was suffering from mental, emotional and financial abuse. At the end, I was being deprived of food and sleep and dealing with sexual coercion on top of the rest of it.

This is hard to admit. It makes me feel weak and powerless and stupid to say that I allowed myself to be in that situation. And even when my eyes had been opened to the fact that it was abusive behaviors, and intellectually I understood it and knew it as a truth, I didn't accept it. I fought against it. I tried to find a way to fix it. I tried to make sense of it. 

I stayed.

I sought help, and worked on my issues... got us help and worked on our relationship. But one person cannot work on a relationship alone.

It took an emergency surgery, being abandoned at the hospital, and then severe neglect during my recuperation to make me see that my life had no meaning or worth to my significant other. It was then that I truly understood I would die, one way or another, if I didn't leave.

It was time to go.

I jumped through hoops trying to get things set up, but I couldn't as long as I was still in the house.
I couldn't apply for housing. I couldn't stay in a shelter (I have a therapy pet). I had no one nearby I could stay with. 

I had to leave it all behind. Some friends I could have tried to reconnect with, my adult children, my therapist and support worker... all of them.

So I exiled myself here. My only link to them all is digital. I have never felt so alone or such a failure.

This situation isn't perfect either, but it is safer than I was and it is only temporary.

I joined a skills training/support group for DV survivors. I sent for paperwork I need to begin to apply for various assistance. I got a referral lined up for my therapy and med management needs. I applied for a very limited hours part time job that I think I can handle.

And I am trying to be kind to myself.

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