Friday, January 22, 2016

Begin Recovery

Getting Nowhere Fast

I have been spinning my wheels. Plans keep falling through or readjusting. Trying to figure out what I need to do and how to get it done has been near impossible. One step forward, two steps back with a side of second-guessing myself. Pretty much every aspect of my life is up in the air. It's hard to make a plan when you don't know where you are going, let alone how to get there.

Step-by-Step

The only thing I could manage to get done was finding a therapist after getting shuffled from one office to another and waiting for a call back, I got it set up. I did the getting to know you intake with her, and I think it will work. And she set me up with a DBT group, which I attended the first session this week. Hopefully I can get my mind and life sorted with her help while brushing up on my skills in the group.

Supportive Pressure

I wish people would understand that telling me they are behind any decision I make, but to hurry up and decide and start moving forward isn't helpful at all. I am disoriented and confused and not sure which way to go. I can't make a decision right now. Offering me 20 options and then saying "Choose!" when I don't have any details to base a decision on is frightening. I need information first. I need to weigh pros and cons. I want to move forward and with purpose. I need to feel somewhat in control and informed. I realize that slow and careful may look like I am not doing anything from outside, and it may be frustrating to those who want me to just be happy and live my life finally. I am starting from scratch, though. It wasn't that long ago that I couldn't make the simplest of decisions without panic attacks. Now I am making some major life decisions. I understand that it wouldn't be that hard for them. They have resources I don't. They aren't learning to trust their logic and intuition again after years of self-doubt. They have an income. They have a home. They aren't where I am mentally or physically. I wish I was. And I will be someday, but I'm not there yet.

I am not being lazy. Pressuring me is not motivating. It's debilitating. It causes anxiety and frustration and feelings of not being understood. It is not helpful. But I know they mean well.

Validation

I still feel the need to confront my Other. That would not be productive. In fact, it could cause problems. Perhaps I will write something up in a post here. Would that be therapeutic? I feel the need to put my experience out there somehow. Maybe then I could let it go, and stop having the urge to scream "Liar!" and "Bullshit!" every time I trip up on something he shares online. I did one reaction post on here already to stuff he was putting out there right after I left him. It helped until he increased what he was doing and it became more about blaming me, and posting what he needs from someone as if I hadn't given it to him and he wasn't the one not fulfilling our vows.

We'll see. I'll have to think about how I want to approach it.


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