Thursday, February 18, 2016

Reality Check

Let's discuss some details behind the scenes

He says he cares about me. How did he show he cared for me over this past year?

He never sent in the paperwork to restart my medical coverage.
He made derogatory remarks about me and my son as "jokes" even after I asked him to stop; saying they hurt my feelings.
He remained friends with a guy who tried to talk me into having sex with him behind my husband's back after I showed him the text conversation, and asked me to pretend nothing was wrong and that I hadn't told him about it, and would leave me alone with that man when he came over and expected me to be nice and friendly to him.
He allowed people over at all hours when I requested no visitors while I was trying to sleep.
He left me in the ER alone for over 6 hours when I had a severe gall bladder attack, and barely made it back in time to sign for my surgery; during recovery he fed me once a day sometimes not till 2am, stalled getting me a drink to take pain pills for hours because he was busy playing a video game, and only helped me shower once in two weeks when I needed assistance to do so.
He refused to acknowledge my re-diagnosis and changes in treatment.
He told me that if he ever lost his temper it would be my fault for not letting him shut down and shut out me and the kids.
He told me that I was not allowed to have any negative feelings because they ruin his good mood and therefore I needed to just be happy or at least hide that I wasn't or I was attacking him.
He allowed his kids to take my belongings without asking and without consequence, and disrespect me, and did not require them to do what I asked of them.
He refused to make any suggested changes by any of the therapists we had seen, be it family, couple's or individual.

...I could go on.

I tried to explain to him the difference between caring about me, and only caring about how I affect him and his life. He prides himself on the fact that one of my old counselors once told him he had a superman complex and needed help. He thinks this is awesome. Superman is his hero. I repeatedly tried to explain that martyrdom is not selfless nor is it a healthy ideal you should desire in a relationship. So this comment about never putting himself first, well, it's bullshit. He will make himself suffer needlessly, and me as well, if it will allow him to play on people's sympathies or get praise for being such a saint. How much more self-centered can you get than to create chaos and harm those you love for attention?

And he gaslighted again. I misunderstood him somehow. He is concerned for me.  He puts words in my mouth saying I am making him out to be the bad guy. 

Honestly? I don't think of him as a bad guy. He is an immature survivor of childhood abuse who never learned how to have a healthy relationship. I pity him. I have no need to label him "bad". He makes unhealthy choices and has no desire to change or grow. I was suffering by choosing to stay in a relationship with him the way he is. I came to understand that I was not going to survive much longer if I stayed, and I had zero power to make the needed changes myself. 

I can empathize as a fellow survivor, but I WANT to have healthy relationships. I want to be content in my life. I am tired of the chaos and unnecessary pain. And most importantly, I don't want to die.

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