Thursday, July 2, 2015

Well, I Wasn't Expecting That

And The Walls, Come Tumbling Down

I was hopeful of co-operation. I was wanting things to turn around.
And I was prepared for a "no". A painful smackdown refusal.

That's not what happened. Instead I got silence. And stalling. And redirection.

I did not have a plan for those. I stuttered. I was confused on what to do or say.

I kept repeating myself over the days that followed, in different ways and different words.

I got no where fast.

My counselor said something that was a revelation. Sometimes no answer is a "no" answer.

So this is it. I have to make an ultimatum... and leave.

This time not coming back until changes are done. Work is progressive and happening. My quality of life would be acceptable if I returned.

No promises this time. Results and proof before belief in a possible future.

It kills me to think about what I am doing. It feels like giving up. But I was told to look at it as me moving forward and the choice to come with me is not mine.

Ultimatums are hard. They feel like bullying. Controlling. I do not want to be that person.
Healthy relationships don't have ultimatums. But, this is already an unhealthy relationship, so as a last straw I have to make demands and then stick to my requirements. To try to jump-start this into a healthier life.

They started as a list of needs that I felt I deserved having met just because I am human.

1. Stable shelter
2. mental and physical health treatment.
3. medications
4. more than one meal a day and healthy balanced diet

These were things I was not in contol of and was not getting. Steps needed to be taken that I couldn't do and they weren't happening.

Now? I must find a way to be self-sufficient. It has been proven that no one will do what needs to be done, and I can't stay here and get them.

Those were the basics I felt I could say had to happen without feeling guilty for asking. That had to happen for me to stay.

There are other issues, but they are secondary. Now some of those must be met too before I return.

Trying not to feel like a bitch.

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